J.P. Mac

A Beautiful Life

2005-03-14T15:00:00.000-08:00

It's my last day of being 23...and somehow...it was a freeing feeling. It's funny that some women actually dread aging. But I'm actually teasing myself with growing older.

I am actually relieved that it's a new year. I had very different plans when the year came in...and as usual...life surprised me.

There were the events I thought I had calculated well. There were people whose attitudes I had thought I knew well, and therefore knew they would not get on my trail. There were the days I thought would be over soon, but they weren't just over yet.

Even funnier still... how life turns out beautiful because of the very things you never expected, thought of or imagined.

Nevertheless, life is always wonderful. I had been through the days when I thought my chest would burst, and I would weep to God... but they were welcome. I always hoped that I would never have to endure another headache in my lifetime, but I knew very well that it was inevitable.

I suppose this just comes from the deep faith I have in God, as well as in myself. I always believed that he would never give me anything that I could not handle, and that this life he gave me was best looked at through rose-colored spectacles, but in clear sight. No matter what rains may come, the world is in color because I chose to look at it that way.

This is my token of gratitude to God for giving me another year to live... as well as for the past 23 years that have been. Each and every moment counted, I knew...no matter if I went through it with ease or pain.

This is the life He gave me...and heck, what a life it was!

The Heart Never Forgets by Leann Rimes

2005-03-03T10:05:00.000-08:00

And I started reliving the past,
When I saw his face.
Suddenly, to my surprise,
I felt a tear fall from my eyes.
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
A face on a crowded street,
An old movie on T.V.,
A song on the radio
Can bring it all back.
Years roll by,
One by one,
All things change,
But there's always someone,
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
(musical interlude)
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
No the heart never forgets.
Ooh, yeah.

2005-03-03T10:00:00.000-08:00

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 9:41:00 AM
Subject:
survey-ing...enjoying this!!!:)

1.Ano present state of mind mo ngayon? - tinatamad.... but at peace nonetheless

2. Do you love singing? > kng pwede lng magising bukas na diva na ko eh...why not?!?

3. Eh dancing? > my body is a wonderfland....hehehehe

4. Pag masaya ka ano ginagawa mo? >smile

5. Eh pag inLove ka? - smile a lot

6.Are you a hot-tempered person? > mabuti na yang nilalabas agad kaysa magka-heart attack

7. Sino nagke-care sayo ng sobra? > > sisters,parents,family..cheesy answers..asyd frm jeff,marami tlga friends u dnt expct wl b dr but they will be

8. May nagsabi na ba sayo na ang ganda ganda mo?> teka a...bilangin ko lng...hehehe

9. May nagsabi na ba sayo na mahal na mahal ka niya?> teka a bilangin ko lng..hehe..jke..as of nw d only 1 that matters has...countlessly...

10. May nagsabi na ba sayong sexy ka?>teka a bilangin ko lng....HEHEHEHE

11. Umiinom ka ba ng beer? > ***t, lumakas nga in the last yr..nu b yan?

12. Nag ii-smoke ka ba? > ah...yan ang di mabibilang...

13. Ano mas gusto mo Bad boy/Bad girl o Good boy/Good girl? > bad boy ichura pero goodboy attitude (it applies to both sexes) :D---winner!!!

14. Pag nadapa ka ano gagawin mo? > tumayo na prang lng nangyari

15. May namimiss ka ba ng sobra? > :)

16. Do you like pets? > kulang na lng magtayo ako ng zoo eh...hamsters,wyt mice,puppies,cats,birds,fish...

17. Mahilig ka ba sa sports? > manood.want to play bt it seems yun ang di ko mgwa in my lyftym

18. Mahilig ka ba sa Music? >to death

19. Nakakain ka na ba ng Exotic foods? > stingray's my fave,...kng exotic yun..at dpat luto ng lolo ko

20. Ano mas gusto mo chocolate!> MEIJI BLACK CHOCOLATE...at hindi magbabago yun...mmmmm...

21. Bakla or tomboy? > pareho, m nt judgmntal, i enjoy every1:)

22. Butiki or Baboy? > baboy..ndi icky e..

23. May na-hurt ka ?> not intentionally/intentionally

24. Did he cry? > > YEAH (& some of it I enjoyed..oo na cge na...bad na ko..)

25. Ano name ng na-hurt mong guy/girl > kelangan pa ba yun?!?

26. Ano mas gusto mo yung taong mahal mo o yung taong nagmamahal sayo? > yan ang na-realize ko nw...dpat I chose sum1 who jst loved me, di the other way around.. mas masaya dpat lyf...

28. Do you consider yourself the best? > no...just good,better than some,the best at certain things...hehehe

29. Naligo k na ba? > ayaw pa ni jylianne eh...so di pa...

30. Anong oras ka naligo? >nung napancn ko nililibag na ko..wehehe.

31. Ano pakiramdam mo ngayon? - tinatamad nga

32. Sino iniisip mo ngayon?> :)

33. Matapos mong sagutan ito masaya ka ba? > yeah...surveys are getting to be so addictive...and addictions give me a little high...heeheheheh

How can I fall

2005-02-24T08:40:00.000-08:00

Give me time to care, the moments here for us to share
Still my heart is not always thereWhat more can I say to you
Could I lie to you,
I'm just too weak to face the truth
Now I know I should make a move
What more can I say

How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
When all faith is gone, I fight myself to carry on
Yet I know of the harm I do, what more can I say to you

Now I hold this line, I know the choice to leave is mine
I can't help what I feel inside
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all

I'll follow through, I'll see I do
When the time is more right for you
I'll make that move, and when I do
Will I doubt again, the way I do

How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons at all
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons
Just won't give me reasons
Just won't give me reasons at all

How can I fall, I fall, I fall
How can I fall for you
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons

"somebody you Love" VS "somebody you like"

2005-02-22T12:10:00.000-08:00

Know the difference between "somebody you Love"
and "somebody you like"
In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you love, you get happy.In front of the person you love,
winter seems like spring.
But infront of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.If you look into the eyes of the one you like,you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one
you love, you smile.In front of the person you like,
you can't say everything on your mind.But in front
of the person you love, you can.In front of the
person you like, you tend to get shy.
But in front of the person you love,
you can show your ownself.
You can't look straight into the eyes of the one
you like.
But you can always smile into the eyes of
the one you love.But when the one you like is
crying, you end up comforting.When the one you
love is crying, you cry with them.

The feeling of like
starts from the ear.
But the feeling of love starts from the eye.

So if you stop liking a person you
used to like, all you need to do is cover your
ears.

But if you try to close your eyes, love turns
into a drop oftear and remains in your heart
forever ...

REALITY BITES (this makes sense)...a repost

2005-02-22T12:00:00.000-08:00

I have always been an advocate of the "Please Get over It and Move on" movement...ALWAYS!... no use crying over spilled milk...anhin pang damo kung patay na ang kabayo...that sh*t.. and I never count my chickens... I so hate chickens...

-------------------------------------------------------------------
One always has to know when a stagecomes to an end.If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapterswhatever name we give it, what matters is toleave in the past the moments of life that have finished.Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust,just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressingfor everyone involved:your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents,lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return,do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: thats only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person.

Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need.This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles.

Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.

---"Every morning, I get up and look throughthe 'Forbes' list of therichest people in America?
If I'm not there, I go to work"-- Robert Orben

Our songs, baby....

2005-02-16T11:10:00.000-08:00

»_Sige_«
by 6cyclemind

Sige, pag kasama ka naman
Kitang-kita ko ang ating kasiyahan
Sige, wag na nating pigilan
At di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya

Okay lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang, babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang basta’t kasama
Konting alak lang kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan naaalala
Di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya

Sige, pagpatuloy nyo lang
Unti-unting lunurin sa kasiyahan
Sige, pagpasensyahan na lang
Mga pumipigil sa ating ligaya

Okay lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang, babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang basta’t kasama
Konting alak lang kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan naaalala
Di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya

Jeepney
by Spongecola

Bumaba ako sa jeepney
Kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi
Magkahalik ang pisngi nating dalwa
Nating dalawa
Panyo mo sa aking bulsa
Ang amoy mo'y naroon pa rin
Tawa nati'y humahalay sa init nating dalawa
Subalit ngayo'y wala naIkaw ay lumayo na
Naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
Naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan
Kulay nang iyong ngiti
Tikwas ng iyong buhok
At ang lambot ng iyong labiIyong labi
Kahit anino mo sa malayo
Ay nais masulyapan
Upang mapawi
Ang lamig

M No Playah (a truthful prayer)

2005-02-16T10:29:00.000-08:00

Tngna...akala nyo astigin ko kyo? Kala nyo gamitin ko yung SUPERB ENGLISH SKILLS ko para...la lang?!?

Hindi porke pinag-aral ako ng pamilya ko sa magandang eskwelahan eh hindi ako marunong makipag-baklaan....na di ako marunong makipag-murahan...na pa-sosyal ako at di ako cowboy(mas gus2 ko ko-boy sabihin yun).

Dahil mas maraming basura sa mundo. Naturingan pinag-aral ng magulang di ginagamit ang ulo. Naturingan na pinag-aral sa eskwelahang tinitirhan pa kamo ng madre eh mas balahura pa kung umarte.

Shit, sige na nga. Lokohin nyo na kami lahat.

Akala ata nila ganun din ako. Marami na kong pinagdaanan sa buhay ko at di nyo na ko pwedeng gaguhin. Lahat na lang ata nadaanan ko na ng isang beses. Kaya wag tayong mag-gaguhan. Kung sino ka, iharap mo sakin. Kung ano ka,iharap mo sakin. Kung ano tingin mo sakin, iharap mo rin sakin....at wala rin naman ako pakialam talaga dahil wala naman ako pakialam sa sasabihin ng kahit sino ngayon...narinig ko na yan lahat.

At hindi na ko naloloka sa kahit ano.

Ang akin lang....di ko pinaglalaruan ang nararamdaman ng ibang tao. Kung ginusto mo ko, GO. Kung ayaw mo sakin, GO. Di ako namimili ng taong haharapin at sasamahan. Di rin kasi ako nambabalewala ng nararamdaman ng iba. Insensitive lang ako pag gusto ko. Kung ayaw mo,wag mo. Kung gusto mo,eh di gusto mo. Sino ba ko para pigilan ka?

Di lang ako ganun sa pag-ibig. Pati sa kaibigan. Pero mas lalo na sa pag-ibig...sige na,aminan na ito. (Kung wala kang pakialam...bat mo binabasa to?)

Kahit kelan di ko pinaglaruan ang iba. Sabi nga ng isang kakilala ko..."Di bale nang wag ka maneryoso...ok lng yun...pero wag ka lng manloloko. May karma yun. Malaki balik nun."

TAMA KA DUN,DUDE!!!

Pag binuksan mo bibig mo at lumabas dun ang mga bagay na gustong marinig ng iba...at alam mo namang gusto nila marinig yun...(tanga lang ang walang alam)....KARMA abot mo nyan.
Pag alam mo namang may masasaktan kang iba pero gagawin mo pa rin, KARMA abot mo nyan.
Pag alam mo namang pinagkatiwalaan ka nya pero tatanga-tanga ka at sinayang mo ang tiwalang binigay syo lalu na kung alam mong hirap na hirap sha ibigay yun syo,KARMA abot mo nyan.

Di naman ako galit.

Tapos na ko sa galit sa buhay ko. Ayoko nang magalit kahit kanino, dahil ayokong masabihan ng "KARMA ABOT MO NYAN" tulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon sayo.

Ewan. Noon kasi ako naman ang tatanga-tanga eh. Ako na lang ang pinaglaruan ng lahat ng tao. Pero ayoko nga gawin sa iba, at alam ko namang Diyos na ang bahala sakin. Ibabalik din nya ang lahat ng tiwala,pakikisama,at pag-ibig na binibigay ko. Quesejodang paglaruan mo ko...quesejodang di mo ko seryosohin...quesejodang hindi talaga ako ang ikasasaya mo, basta wag mo na ang akong guguluhin. Para mahanap ko rin talaga ang para sakin.

Ngayon kung magising ka at ako pa rin pala... magdasal ka. Na sana andun pa ko sa sidewalk para maabutan mo ko pagbaba ko noon sa jeepney mo. Kasi kung hindi, umangkas ka na ng ibang pasahero. Baka nakasakay na ko sa iba, libre pa pamasahe. (Sabi kasi sa bumper sticker "Barya lang sa umaga, libre na sa maganda" hehehehe)

Kaya bahala na rin ang Diyos sa inyong mga pinaglalaruan lang ang puso ng iba. Sana nga di ka abutin ng karma mo. Dahil yun ang pinagdadasal kong wag na wag mangyayari sakin habangbuhay. Ngayon, kung mangyari naman sakin, sana di na lang Niya ko pabayaan. At alam ko namang di Nya gagawin yun.

Kung meron mang nagmahal talaga sakin ng lubos...kung meron mang hindi ako pinabayaan kahit kelan... ang Diyos lang yun. Nagsisisi nga ko kasi minsan ako na nga ang nakakalimot sa Kanya. Pero hindi Nya ko nakalimutan kahit kelan. Minsan, oo, pinahihirapan din nya ko...pero dahil lang pinagkakatiwalaan Nya ko na "KAYA MO YAN, hindi kita bibigyan ng hindi mo kaya". O, db? Ang lakas ng powers!!!

Kaya maingat din ako sa idadasal ko...kasi sa Kanya lang din talaga ko nagsusumbong eh...(pag di ko na kaya,pag masaya ko, pag wala lang...chums kme ni Papa God e)... mahirap na, baka may masabi akong ibigay Nya, kahit ano pa ang rason. Eh bka ako nmn ang hindi makakaya sa sinabi ko. Mahirap na. Kargo pa kita sa konshensha ko( oo, meron ako nun,e ikaw?).

Kya sa mga WALAAAANG katigil-tigil sa paglalaro ng puso ng iba, maghunos-dili ka! (hahahaha) Ayan na ang karma, hinahabol ka! Hala,hala,hala! Ayan na sa likod mo,wag kang titingin,aabutan ka na!

Ayan,kasi, tatanga2 ka. Ganyan tlga yan. Kung di ka aabutan ng karma....hahabulin ka ng mga multo mo...hahabulin ka rin ng lahat ng ginawa mo sa buhay mo...kaya kung ako sayo, sa susunod, konting ingat naman. Konting konsensha, konting gamit sa utak. Mahal ang tuition fee ngayon, at mahal makapag-aral. Wag mong sayangin ang ipinagod ng pamilya mo pra lng magkalaman ang ulo mo...tpos di mo pa gagamitin. Tanga.

Subject:ABC -saya2!!!(survey on friendster)

2005-02-16T09:00:00.002-08:00

Tuesday, February 01, 2005 2:50:00 PM
Subject:
ABC -saya2!!!

1. A- Age >> 19 (lang ko2ntra!)-NAH, 23&aging gracefully,thanks

2. B - best asset >> personality?png-contest pro un tlga e...sense of humour kya?smile? aura? I'm not really that vain e...tamang arte lng,hehe

3. C - Career >> my marriage...it really needs a lot of work now...hehehehe....

4. D - Drink or smoke >> smoke

5. E - Easiest person/s to talk to >> my sis geli

6. F - Food that you could never eat >> uh,lahat kinakain ko...;)

7. G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms - >> WORMS!

8. H - Hobbies >> playing the guitar,dance or sing mag1 or ksma c jyl, mag-blog 4ver, study playn d piano,catch up on tv shows,b a yaya 2 my orig big baby:)

9. I - In-love? >> .......?/???/ wldn't actually say that...

10. J - Junk food you like >> oishi natural flavor

11. K - Kids >> yeah, hav 1,my pretty girl JYL!

12. L - Longest drive ever >> 1 lng,ppuntang vigan na sumakit na nga pwet ko,may sermon pa kinagabihan,hehe

13. M-My favorite sport >> not athletic...but wld want to b

14. N - Number of siblings>> lahat na?haha...3 tpos 1 na kinuha na ni papa god,1 older brother,&1 unconfirmed..haha

15. O - One wish you have? >> wishing dust muna!..cguro that I cld rewind my life...not to really change things, but have a chance to live it again, 2 c kng may iibahin ba ko or matigas p rin ulo ko at gagawin ko pa rin laht ulit!!

16. P - Phobias >> love&all the s**t with it (seryoso...)

17. Q - Favourite Quote >> can u evr make a writer choose jst 1?

18. R - Reason to smile >> ngyn?when jeff smiles..it's nostalgic 4 me..tgal kc di nkta yun e...

19. S - Song you sang last >>kgbi...kme ni jyl...if the feeling is gone

20. T - time you woke up >> 7:00am

21. U - Unknown fact about u - >> hmm..mrmi kyo di alam at nvr mala2man ...i relish things that are mine and only mine...madamot ako e...:) pg may iba ka- share ayoko na :p

22. V - Vegetable/fruit you love - >> lahat ok ako

23. W - Worst habit >> screaming things i don't really mean to say wen im mad,kht 22o lahat ng cnabi ko

24. X - X-rays you've had >>none

25. Y - Yummy food/s >> lahat nga kinakain ko e...pero tokyo2 tlga ko...ska chowking wanton soup and miki...and shrimp salad sa chef d'angelo...lugaw sa rosver's...at ulam sa 3 sisters...cge sama mo na rin mechado benta ni mrs.bonoan :) sisig ng dencio's...o sisig ng almer's...bsta sisig game ako...ska dampa sa timog! tangina kng la lng bad memories dun,super sarap dun!!!

26. Z - Zodiac sign >> pisces

Ako'Y Sa Iyo, Ika'Y Akin

2005-02-16T09:00:00.001-08:00

ganda-ganda!! one of my all-tym faves(sounds good on my guitar too!hehehe)...I just feel like too many people are singing it out there and yet they don't really mean it... i just hope broken hearts willl never see a day out in the world again...nakainis e...kahit ako pa yung reason...kung ano man ung reason( dahil kahit diosa ko di na kme pwede...hehehe... or dahil meron ako nung wala sha....HARHAR...)
No,honest. I hate broken hearts...kya i don't like the feeling when somehow I feel responsible for one...kahit wala nmn ako ginagawa. Kahit sa friend mo nmn eh,db? You hate seeing his or her heart getting broken...you feel as if you could have done something,want to do somthing to help...kya lang it's real and true...you can't be responsible for anyone's heart but your own...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ikaw na ang may sabi
Na ako'y mahal mo rin
At sinabi mong
Ang pag-ibig mo'y 'di magbabago
Ngunit bakit sa tuwing ako'y lumalapit ika'y lumalayo
Puso'y laging nasasaktan pag may kasama kang iba
'Di ba nila alam
Tayo'y nagsumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
Ika'y akin lamang

Kahit anong mangyari
Pag-ibig ko'y sa 'yo pa rin
Kahit ano pa
Ang sabihin nila'y ikaw pa rin
Ang mahal
Maghihintay ako kahit kailan
Kahit na Umabot pang ako'y nasa langit na
At kung 'di ka makita
Makikiusap ka'y Bathala
Na ika'y hanapin
Ipaalala sa iyo
Ang nakalimutang sumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
At ika'y akin lamang

Oh.....
Umasa ka
Maghihintay ako kahit kailan
Kahit na
Umabot pang ako'y nasa langit na
At kung 'di ka makita
Makikiusap kay
Bathala Na ika'y hanapin at sabihin
Ipaalala sa iyo
Ang nakalimutang sumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
At ika'y akin lamang

Pseudo relationships.. (reposted from Peach)

2005-02-16T09:00:00.000-08:00

Tuesday, February 08, 2005 1:54:00 PM
4 those who dont hav any1 to call their own and resorting to this kind of trick...think again dudes...di lng kyo affected kc sum1s dr behind u & trusting u...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Others call it MU or mutual understanding.Pseudo-relationships.Pseudo-boyfriends.Pseudo-girlfriends.Flings.Almost like a relationship, but not quite.It is a phase where the persons involvedare more than friends, but not quite lovers.Puwedeng may verbal agreement,puwedeng wala.One or both of you may have admitted yourfeelings,possible ding hindi.You just let your gestures do the talking foryou.Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari.Hindi kayo mag-dyowa.Pero sa kilos niyo,sa mga sinasabi niyo,parang kayo,pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship"can happen at different stages for different reasons.It can happen after a break-up.You still love each other,and you want to be with each otherbut you broke up for a reason.And for reasons that you alone know,ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship,iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam.Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna.Testing lang. (tama ba un?!) Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na.Kaya habang hindi pa siyanakikipag-break doon sa boy/girl(sabi niya makikipag-break siya soonpero di naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong relasyonpara nga naman hindi siya nangangaliwakasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage,for a time, can be fun.Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "KALARO." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kze wala talagang kasiguraduhan.So bakit ang daming nagse-settlesa ganitong set up ganoonghindi naman siguradokung may patutunguhan?Iba't ibang dahilan.Puwedeng for fun lang.Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing,doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.For those who are not in a serious relationship,they would think that pseudo-relationshipis better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you're after is that "kilig" feeling.But then I learned that although it wasonly a pseudo-relationship,the emotions were real.And usually, in this kind of set up,merong malulugi.."ung nainlove sa taong taken na.."

Una, you can't ask him/her to commit.Since it's not really a relationship,you can't demand commitment from your partner.Ano ba kayo? You will always be uncertain about your role in his/her life.You can't expect him/herto be always there with you.And if you feel jealous of the other boys/girls,you just have to keep it to yourself.Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what ifyou fall deeply in love with him/her?You can't be sure if he/she feels the same way.Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dyingto tell him/her you love him/her, you can't.Because you're not sure if he/she will like it.Baka mapahiya ka lang.
This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much?What if you have invested all your emotions and this man/womanhasn't? What if you remain faithful to him/her, not entertaining other guys/gals,only to find out that he/she is seeing other girls/boys?Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting.When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold,then that would be the end of it.Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship.Wala kang pinanghahawakan.Kasi sa pseudo- relationship,there is no "us."Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us"--------may tinamaan ba?!

The Story of "What If?"

2005-01-30T01:45:00.000-08:00

I have an acquaintance from way back college years, and his name was Janus. He was my then boyfriend's good friend, and he inevitably became one of the people I would look forward to being with.

Years passed and I never came across Janus, if not for the occasional mentioning of his name. I lived my life...he lived his...me as a housewife, marrying my college sweetheart (Janus' friend)...and him as a law student. (But that's not what this story is about. I'm just giving you a little introduction so that you would appreciate Janus for his story)

Anyway, I saw Janus again after almost three years, and it was funny he should ask about married life. I guess a few beers really make a difference. Thus goes Janus' story...

Man#1( let's call him Paul) was going to get married to Woman#1(Jane). Woman#2(Patricia) was getting married to Man#2(Chris). Under the strangest circumstance, for some crazy weekend, Paul and Patricia met at the same hotel, and had a flirtation that led to a whirlwind romance.
Evidently, it wasn't just an affair, because both of them seriously considered cutting off both of their engagements, or eloping together. But they knew they had to do the "right thing", and broke up their affair to get married to their respective partners.

Paul's heart did not keep him quiet though. He thought about Patricia often, and the same thing went for her. One night, while the hotel's maintenance man was fixing the lightbulb in his room, he had opened up his dilemma, and asked the man what he thought he should do.

The maintenance man smiled and told Paul this : " I have been happily married for 20 twenty years to Rita, but there was never a day that passed that I thought 'What if...I had been married to Maria instead?' "

After that story, I had laughed at Janus' face. How true was that story anyway? How stupid was it that people actually married each other without really committing to loving each other? Do they just wake up one day and say "I wish I was married to someone else instead?" Is it actually really happening that people married for the wrong reasons, and marry not because of love?

I had laughed at Janus. But Janus... you make me bleed. You know you do.

Because somewhere out there...someone may be thinking I wish I was married to her instead. Somewhere out there, at some point or another...my husband may think he wasn't married to me, and wish instead to be married to someone else.

What has actually happened to love? What exactly has happened to marriage, commitment, and friendship?

The world has become a shore of crabs and its a matter of who gets on top first. The one who doesn't get trampled on, and succeeds on trampling on others is the one who wins.

And I guess it's the same thing with love. You want it? Slave over it. Nobody gets anything for nothing anymore nowadays. It's bitch and win or you become the loser.

I have let my What-Ifs die a long time ago. They resurface every now and then, and whether my husband likes it or not, we both have to admit it happens. Because I am not stupid, and so is he. What-Ifs are as real as marriage could get, specially with young marriages that start off with dizzy spells, racing heartbeats, and ever tingling funny bones. It just doesn't happen with real marriages, dear. As they say, some marriages are made in heaven but they all have to be worked out on earth. And both our what-ifs, if any, could only be used for the reality check.
Because I know deep in my heart, my husband loves me, and whether he entertains, or has entertained, the thought or not... I truly believe that what we had is incomparable. We probably only have to be mature enough to accept that marriages are meant to have system breakdowns, but they can be fixed. If only we give it enough time, it may even fix itself without too much effort. And that's a blessing indeed, because marriages require all the efforts you can give.

I may have to say sorry for not believing in Janus at the time, but I haven't forgotten his story. Which may mean, the story was put to good use.

Thank you, Janus...but I think Mr.Maintenance Man could have done better in your story. He could have loved his wife more...could have taken his commitment more seriously...could have become satisfied with what all that his wife had to give...and maybe he would not have what-ifs.

Those who dwell on what-ifs, the past, what was... eventually lose what they have now...and everything.

Letter to a lover

2005-01-26T13:20:00.000-08:00

"It's been quite a while...you've really kept me wanting you...you've got some style... so unique, so beautiful, so warm, so deep...."

I'm not sure if it was an unfortunate or fortunate day in my life...but it WAS a day.

I'm not very particular to the kind of man you are...as long as you can capture my eye with a warm smile. And THAT very day... I saw him smiling. Not just the kind of smile you catch while he's laughing and telling stories with his friends, but the kind that's directed to you. The kind of smile that's meant to catch your eye. Even if he really wasn't meaning to direct it to you.

Or was it me? Was I just thinking my usual- thoughts- on- a-really-good-day-when-I-feel-so-hot-and-ravishing?

Whatever it was, whatever the purpose...it caught my eye...and I was hooked for good. It's crazy how a little smile can go great lengths.

In my case, it went a great deal. The smile was simply a prelude to a lot of other things... loving the way he talked...the way he said my name... the way he said his name...the way he held me, even in the most unmalicious of ways... I just saw him sweet and incurably cute.

But sweet moments were made to last you only seconds of your years...and what seemed like a possibility of a lifetime with him shattered to pieces. Cut glass that could wound and scar you forever if you tried to pick them up...try to put the pieces back together and you will find yourself bleeding a silent death.

I bled for him.

It sounds too majestic but it didn't feel that way. I was up to my nose with sh*t but I tried to rescue myself from it. My only redemption...the only light in that dark tunnel...was that I HAD him. For a short period of time he was mine alone, and I can be proud of that.

Because I am human enough to feel that way...because I can prove to myself, say proudly that I know how it feels to sincerely care for someone, and deep in my heart know that I can offer my love if only he had asked for it in the first place.

But the deception was more than I could take. I see in his eyes that he does not feel as if he had deceived me, but he did. I believed him...every single word he had said, every single beautiful word where he had supposedly spoken highly of me and the way he felt for me.

He had deceived me out of my shell. I was in there for self-preservation but he was too good a predator. He knew where to attack me and knew exactly what corner to push me against. I had been more than simply amused with him, I was enamored. I was furious with myself for feeling that way towards him...wanting to give my all, wanting to drop everything with the drop of a hat, wanting to serve him and be the one to give him all that he wanted and needed. I was furious because I was immature to be afraid of how I felt, to be unsure of how HE felt towards me.

You'd know I was nearly going insane because I didn't exactly ask for monogamy, and didn't hope for it. I knew all men were born with the cheating gene. But nonetheless I didn't ask for it...of course hoped for it ( only a hypocrite of a woman would say she absolutely didn't care if her man got interested in another woman )... but trusted him my with my whole heart that he was telling me the truth. That's all I asked for :HONESTY.

But he did change his mind towards me, and THAT was a day as well. That was a day in itself because it opened up a whole new range of revelations about myself.

I realized I should never love someone else before I truly loved myself. I realized I didn't need to be everything to someone until I had done everything for myself. I realized you shouldn't look for someone to complete you...as it was said, a partner should never be supplementary,but complementary. He should be able to act like the other half, not be your other half, because only half of him would not be worthy enough.

It would only be futile effort to make him give you everything, because every person cannot give everything or he would lose himself,his personality,his soul. And what worth a partner is it who has lost himself? I realized you cannot do that as well, give your all... because giving your all is a waste of your years when you have so much to do with your life.

It's a common mistake in love... to feel guilty that you are not everything to someone, to be hurt, to feel deceived... because life was meant to be lived for you. God gave you that life for YOU to enjoy it. That reason He gave us the heart is because he wanted us to see that side of life... that it is beautiful to love, to feel loved...that love in itself is a wonderful thing to have and hold in your arms... but it is only a part of everything that He had given us.

From what I have gone through with him, I am a new person. I cannot deny the bitterness in my voice, cannot hide the traces of a hurting heart, cannot make the doubts disappear with the
snap of my fingertips. But I can be a whole new person who can be proud to walk the streets with an uplifted chin...because I know in my mind and in my heart that I have gone through everything. I can tell the world..."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! So try me again, life! I know I can live through this!"

I have known pain. I have known doubts. I have known deceit. I have loved. I have lost. I have loved again, and I may never stop loving. In the long term I may bring myself to my own pain again. People have become masochists of late, and experiencing pain seems to be the definition
of existence. I cannot help myself from it. I cannot help from making myself feel the pain because I cannot help myself from feeling the affection as well.

Yes, I love him. Above all this theatrics, it's as simple as that. I love him, and you cannot make me forget that. I have a certain love affair with stupidity, but let's leave it at that. I happen to enjoy the moronic feelings that come with relishing another person's embrace,another person's smile, another person's voice,another person's kiss. I don't give out free kisses...it always comes with a part of me. So when I happen to have enjoyed it, I must have absolutely adored him.

Do you know?

I loved you. I really did. I seem to have just gotten stuck in our yesterday... so I'm enjoying it now. In my heart you will always be my smiley face, my dream, my all.

We may still not be meant to be in future...if ever we do find out that love will never ever work for us...if ever in the future we will never be the ones destined to share each other's everydays,todays,and tomorrows... you will always be a part of me...for you have left a part of you with me (duh, go figure)...and I will treasure that forever.

This crazy heart of mine will always find a way back to you, no matter how insane the thought. It will always think that no matter where life takes me, I will still and always will find my way back to you. Your memory will never go away.

I love you baby. And deep in my heart I'm hoping you truly love me and always will treasure the time and affection I have given to you.

No matter how crazy a day it was when I met you, no matter how crazy the days I shared with you, no matter how crazy I have become...

...i will always go back to the day when I saw you smiling, and you let me know that I can truly be alive if only I enjoy each moment...like a smile... no matter how great or little it is.

(feb2'05)

Love may be blind but it will find you

2005-01-20T11:10:00.000-08:00

The now popular song goes...I don't wanna wait in vain for your love... because summer is here, I'm still waiting there...

The big question is, darling...whoever told you you had to wait?

The biggest mistake anyone could ever make in his or her life is to wait for a love to come running to you, come sweep you off your feet, or come whisk you away on a magic carpet ride. You shouldn't wait for love to hit you, wait for love to crawl into your skin, nor wait to fall in love.

Don't wait for love...because you don't have to. It will just happen.

How many times have we waited for phone calls? How many late nights have we let ourselves dream for THE DAY...for THE ONE?

Countless? You're not alone. Because in a world of the so-called free-willed people, we all expect and grow up having these romantic notions of a lover whom we will choose, someone who will choose US over a dozen,thousand,or even millions of women out there. Who wouldn't swoon over that thought? Imagine being handpicked and told over and over again..." You are the one for me...you will always be the one in my heart..."

But it doesn't happen that way. You want love? Here's the deal-clincher: your heart never chooses who to love. At some point or another your heart will love a loser. At some point or another your heart will love someone who can never love you...
someone who will make you cry...
someone who will forget how important you are...
someone who will never, ever even realize how important you are...
someone who will not see WHO you are...
someone who will never hold your hand for everyone to see...
someone who loves someone else...
someone who will play with your heart...
someone who will never share your dreams with you...
someone who will want everything but cannot give anything...
someone who will never be yours...
someone who will love you today but change their mind tomorrow...
someone who will lie...
someone who will tell you they love you, but act as if they don't...
someone who will steal your heart and never give it back.

You will always come across someone who will not even realize what they're talking about. Words are important, but words can be fatal if not used carefully and not thought about.
Words can hurt. Specially if they were assumed to be real but they weren't. Sweet tongues and smooth operators are countless. They were not born yesterday, no matter how old or young...they have been around and they know how to woo you out of limitations and safe boundaries. Once they have you bogged down out of your you-can't-make-me-love-you-zones, they discard you like used rags.

But that's how the heart works. It was made to love someone who SEEMS to love you. Because the heart's a little stupid. On the other hand, the good side to that innocence of the heart is that, it will not fend off affection that people with real intentions will offer. And that's your heart's go signal to love.

Good for you.

When that happens just don't push love away. You don't have to wait for love, dear... please
don't. But when it comes, open your arms and let it in. It may not be the forever kind of love...or the one to make your heart race everytime...or the one to give the sweet, silent contentment whenever you're holding each other's hands and just sitting next to each other...but at least, it's there. It may not be love yet...just not as of yet...but knowing there's someone who's willing to be the one to care for you and share a few moments with you everyday...be the witness to your life: its bitterness, its joys, its pains, its ho-hum days...
that's what really matters.

Love is blind and stupid sometimes, but just have faith. Maybe that's why Cupid was portrayed as a man... love is sometimes like a man. It takes time for them to realize a lot of things. So just hang on in there... love will find you.

It may take a lot of tears, it may take a lot of years... but love will find you, and bless you if you find it too...and you see each other eye to eye.

edited: Jan 26

Nothing scares me anymore

2005-01-19T09:10:00.000-08:00

Ghosts? Japanese horror films with disturbing images you see in your mind weeks after you've last seen it (maybe evn after the first time you've seen it)? Kapre? Silent,dead nights? Howling winds? Heights? Death?

I am not afraid of anything anymore.

Show me what you've got. Try me now. You cannot scare the hell out of me even if you tried.

I have become a thousand year old concrete wall, and you cannot bog me down. Well, I guess...there are a few things...

The Wall of China is still standing. Basically because it stands for something. It is heritage, culture,pride. If I was a wall, maybe that would be it.

I have to stand strong because I have a daughter. I have a family who will always be there to walk with me,stand by me...even if storms and earthquakes try to shatter me. I have this pride that YOU CANNOT BOG ME DOWN.

But then there are the Berlin Wall days. They tore the thing down to erase the line between two places, to stop creating boundaries and wars. It's almost the same thing for me, but most of the time it's just a matter of the heart over my mind.

I have these days. When the toughie is a softie. Damn, I could almost hear the pieces falling. I could hear the cracks coming on, and I can break soon. Essentially the good thing, I could choose not to break if I wanted to. But there are just those days when I cannot help but shatter to pieces with the littlest motivation.

And maybe this is the reason why I choose to be a Wall of China. Because I have gone through those days when I felt like the littlest things could hurt me. Now though, nothing scares me anymore. I basically have nothing to lose because I have lost it all.(Go figure) It seems as if I am holding most things in my iron hand right now...but the truth is...I'm not. I just want to let the tides flow. I am after all,a wall...an unmoving wall where people pass by, winds blow through, and seasons change over. But I will always be there.

Thank God, I will always be here. Nothing really scares me now...because the heavens will always be here as well to shine down on me...after the storm.

Parang Kayo Pero Hindi Part2

2005-01-04T14:30:00.000-08:00

Crazy little things...these so-called hearts.

They stop in mid-air when you see him. They start beating fast when he stands next to you. They come alive when he smiles. They die when he walks away.

Crazy little things...these hearts.

For so-called intelligent people, the heart is merely an organ. It's there to keep you alive because you have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. Have a job, get a social life,be a friend,be a daughter,be a sister, be a mom...whatever. There are better things to do out there than mind this crazy little heart.

But there are certain so-called intelligent people who inevitably develop a certain stupidity with the heart when they start getting older. Maturity is simply a term for knowing more. And the more you know...the more it hurts. Only the ignorant never get hurt. Because what you don't know won't kill you.

Feel like one of us so-called intelligent people? Good for you. Because on the other hand...what you know will make you stronger.

What does this crazy little heart of mine know now that I'm a little older?

It knows that love is not a lie. It is not a myth. But it is so real that you can feel it...its joys,its pains,its struggles, the bliss. It knows that love can start up a fire inside it, but that the mind will always interfere. It knows the mind has a point.

What does this intelligent mind know?

It knows love can hurt.It knows love can make you feel like the most beautiful, most special,most intelligent,most everything girl in the world...but it definitely knows that all of that will die once he sees someone who is more than that.( And God bless the woman who really IS more than all that..can you imagine?) It knows that love never chooses who to love...so it makes the guidelines for the heart. Don't choose a younger man,someone who cannot commit to you, someone who will never write you poetry or give you flowers, someone who is involved with someone else...someone who is not worthy to receive all the stupidity this crazy little heart will take.

The mind is powerful. It knows a lot of things. So it knows when to stop.

The heart and the mind is the perfect example of two people in love. Once working together, it will be a dream come true, a fantasy, a happy ever after. But once the mind and the heart start arguing with each other...everything else fails. It's a nightmare you want to wake up from. It's a long-standing telenovela and you just want to stop crying. It's a love affair gone sour and you just want the sweet memories back...those sweet times...those short,sweet moments he was yours and yours alone.

That's how my mind is right now. Parang sila pero hindi. This crazy little heart doesn't know if it will stick with my mind...or break hell loose. What the heck? I'm in love, and I don't care what you think,you prudish little mind.

The only problem is... my mind and my heart has a long-standing commitment to stay with each other no matter what.

And its crazy but sometimes I wish... I find someone who won't be like me. I want to find someone who will only listen to his heart. I want to find someone who will l0ve me not for the guidelines in his mind...but for ME. I want to find someone who will break hell loose and give the dirty finger to anyone who will try even in the littlest bit to tear us apart. Someone who will not hide from the world that I am his and his alone. Someone who will shout to the world that he loves me. Someone who will smile when I need it, accept my smile when he needs it. Someone who will hold my hand when I am trying to cross boundaries, and let me hold his hand through his trials. Someone who will bear witness to my life...and someone who will let me savor and bear witness to his life. Someone who will thank the heavens that I am here, and that I will be here...who cares if its not for forever...as long as we're together right here,right now...and a few more tomorrows...who cares?

Come on,tell me...someone out there...anyone...WHO CARES?!?

Afraid to fall in love

2004-12-29T13:00:00.000-08:00

Has love ever driven you crazy? Has love ever drained you to the core? Has love ever pushed you to the edge it feels like a thousand pains over and over again?

It has?Join the club.

Now that basically I'm here and alone, and almost living the life I've always wanted I'm happy.

But I'm afraid to fall in love again.And I'm not giving myself that luxury right now. Maybe in a million years. When love finally comes back alive in me.

It was the death of an absolute hopeless romantic.

I've forgotten how long kisses felt. I've forgotten how warm embraces felt. I've forgotten how it is to love someone with your all,your everything. Basically I don't miss it because I don't have it.

So if you...yes,you...want to love me...I'm afraid you'll have to wait.Coz I'm afraid I'll hurt you. I'm afraid I cannot have anything to give you. I'm afraid I'm just on the rebound. I'm afraid the wounds are still fresh and that I'm just trying to be happy. I'm afraid I'll lose you again.

So don't give me reasons to love you. Don't smile at me. Don't talk to me. Don't be nice and don't patronize me. Don't make me feel as if I'm the most beautiful girl in the world.

Because above all my fears... I am afraid to fall in love again.

Afraid to fall in love

2004-12-28T20:50:00.000-08:00

It Hurts like Hell...pero Quits na Tyo

2004-11-21T22:40:00.000-08:00

I don't have a lot to say. Everything that should have been said and done, had been said and done.

I feel like bursting into flames, but that's not physically possible. If it were, I would be gone by now.

The major difference is that I have a daughter...that's why I can't die. I have a major motivation to live...because I want to care for someone, someone makes me feel as if she needs me, someone needs to be loved.

Masakit to, hayup ka talaga, pero quits na tyo at ako na lng ang nakakaalam nun.(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Love makes you live longer

2004-11-12T18:00:00.000-08:00

I was watching Oprah awhile ago...and the doctor said that having someone in your life makes you actually live longer.

He said that constant reminder and correction from people who really care can make the difference.

Come on! Really now?

I guess it just proves true for the people who think the people around them remind and correct them, to the point of nagging them, for the sole purpose of love. "You do do this because I know you love me."

Hell. I've met people who will never think that way. "I know you do this because you have nothing better to do."

"If you would only get a life of your own, you wouldn't be poring over me so much. Are you obsessed with me?"

"If you only had half a brain you would think I can take care of my own damn self."

Sounds familiar? Look around. The people you expect to understand and know how much you care for them may actually not care that YOU care.

So rethink your relationships. They may let you live longer if you share them with the people who will truly and sincerely care.

(Edited Dec.13,2004)

A Mouse In the Rat Race

2004-11-03T18:45:00.000-08:00

I've been jobhunting for months, but still jobless. I had such a great, optimistic view of my life, until all this jobhunting made me feel like a major loser.

In the rat race out there...specially with all your call center friends and family members, who earn thousands even within the vast complaints of your mind turning to lugaw... I am nothing but a mouse.

Scrambling away at leftovers.

I was a dreamer before all this happened. Before Life happened.

And I realized what a fool I was to not look at the bigger picture. A hundred other
employees- to-be scrambling for a single job. A dozen other young persons who have parents to take care of that little problem...young, idealistic, bold. But a lot more of those young people who have family expectations to meet, siblings to send to school, young families to uphold.

Should we really be running in the rat race like everyone else?

That is the answer to this problem.

It's all a matter of choice. Where you want to put yourself, is where and what you are. You lose if you think you're a loser.

And inevitably...I think I'm not like that. I'm young, I'm bright, I'm damn talented...and bless me...I'm beautiful...!!!

For now I'll take being the mouse... mice have their own ways anyhow...little ones scampering about until you don't realize it hits you one day...they've set-up house at your own space and taken control of everything, especially you.

Nyaaaahhh! (sensha medjo morbid mood ngyn...hehehe)

"Parang Kayo Pero Hindi"

2004-11-03T18:30:00.000-08:00

It was a bad case of deja vu as I read a forwarded email this afternoon. I almost stopped myself from choking out in snorts.

It never fails to bring a woman down...LOVE. Out of the million things God could have made to make women happy, it had to be a man. Tish-tush! If you ask me, he should have thought Meiji Black Chocolate was worthy enough.(Basically the reason why I'm NOT God...)

How stupid was I to have gotten myself in this situation? When I was in high school and made myself assume that a guy liked me...looking back...well, that was plain innocence. Now that I have my own daughter, and a marriage, to boot...I think this is ignorance. Love and ignorance is a deadly combination, believe me! A thousand cliches to point that out to you....Love is a road, love is an obstacle course, love is blind... put them all together, and you see my point.

With a thousand other combinations on love, you'd think people would be rushing out the doorway to Singlehood Suites instead of staying at Couples Condo. But people have become masochists lately, and inevitably have developed a greater tolerance for pain. ( I guess so
have I...)

"Who cares if he doesn't call me tonight? He must be busy...that poor driven,passionate,workaholic man. Who cares if we can't go out today? His deadline must be tight, and damn that bitch of a boss he has! Who cares if I split a few more hours with his drinking buddies and he'd be late? I have my own life...I don't need his presence to be happy."

Well, wake up, darling.

Everyone needs to be loved, and it's an absolute futile denial to tell yourself you don't need anyone to be happy. It's been such a fashionable statement to convince everyone, specially yourself that you can definitely, absolutely,completely be happy without anyone to love you.

Had a taste of hugging lately? Had a kiss? Had anyone brush a stray hair away from your face? Had anyone send you a message to let you know where they were, simply because they knew it was important for you to know, that you just spent your last peso, and that you won't be able to load up for a few more hours? Had anyone tell you that you're beautiful? Had anyone tell you how important what you had done was for them? How important YOU were for them?

How's that?

Hoo, boy...Love. It drives you crazy doesn't it? Just when you think you've got your act together, packed your bags (emotional and otherwise), and rearing to run out the door ala Disney princess in a wispy, flowing ballgown... he smiles at you, and you forget you were a blabbering bunch of frustration and pain.

You forget he rarely lets you know he remembers you (if he does) throughout the day...and you instead choose to remember the moments when he does. You forget that day he came late because he was with his friends...and think "well, at least it was with friends, right?"
You just forget. And remember.

I smile at my cynical image in the mirror and turn my head back to the screen. Damn emails. Damn men. Damn this goddamn heart who couldn't care enough if it's buried in snow. Damn this goddamn heart who can't stop loving.

Damn.

When The Spirit Dies

2004-10-31T00:40:00.000-07:00

"Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies..."

How many songs have we heard about the human heart,mind, and spirit? A dime a dozen. Have you stopped to think why?

Because we are in awe of it...as much as we are proud of it. We are starry-eyed about the depths and the heights that these can achieve. And to an extent, afraid of it all.

We try to hold it all together with what we can. And sometimes what we are capable of,what we have, what we can do...it's not always enough.

The spirit needs room to run free. When we finally realize that we are not invincible, that we cannot always do everything and have everything, we put ourselves in a rut where no one can reach us...and the spirit dies. When it cannot run free because of limitations we have put on ourselves... our minds refuse to think, our hearts refuse to feel, our spirits die.

And when the spirit dies we might as well lose it all. It's what keeps us going. It's who we are,what we are, what will become of us.

So run free...run free...

What Makes You Stay?

2004-09-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

I tried to calm my throbbing temples with my left hand while lifting my right leg to the cold wall, stuffing a fluffy pillow under it.

It had been a grueling night for me...and somehow the conversation between me and my hubby had gotten the better of me. Having him go to the bathroom was definitely a breather.

I was trying to gather my wits, while trying to fathom what the hell I was doing in the world right here, right now...thinking the worst, no less... when he came back in through the door.

"Feeling better? I thought we had it all ironed out?" I answered feebly with a yeah, of course, I'm fine. "You're still thinking." No, I'm not. I'm okay. "Your leg's still up on the wall."

On any given day we would have burst out together laughing at the stupidity of that observation. In my pensive mood though, I simply couldn't.

Here we were...analyzing the validity of our relationship...weighing the pros and the cons, the right and the wrong, the mistakes, the sacrifices, the sincerity of love. And he gives out an observation only he had ever noticed. I never even realized I was doing that until last night when he so candidly pointed it out to me.

How can you ever get mad at someone who knows how to make you feel better? (even if he was the reason for your discomfort in the first place.)

Through it all I realized I couldn’t leave this man who had become such a great part of my life. He drives me insane, sure… but through all the insanity my heart was torn apart. There were the days I wanted to exorcise myself from my evil plots against him, just to relieve myself of the pain and insecurity I felt. But somewhere inside I knew I couldn’t last a moment beside him that I wouldn’t have my defenses melted, and that I would have to forgive him.

The toughie is now a softie.

I always prided myself with the knowledge that I was a bitch, and I had every right to be that way if I was right…about my decisions, about my beliefs, about my life. But the irony of it all was that I had found someone who had turned my life over. Wow, and was it an absolute upset!

I find my seemingly cold stare ready to pounce on him, and my marshmallow heart gives in. Puss in Boots of Shrek would be shamed with the woeful eyes my husband just gave me.

Just then, even through the doubts and the fears…I suddenly have the answer. All of the answers.

I am here because I chose to. I am here because I fell in love, with someone who never gave me promises, but tried to give me happiness. I am here with someone who inspires me with his passions, his dreams, his great ambitions.

I am here because I gave a commitment. I am here not just because of that commitment, but because of a sincere hope to offer another person my time, my love, my soul. I am here because I feel responsible for the emotions and the welfare of another human being.

I am here because of a certain uncontrollable force of nature. I am here because I cannot help it. I am here because he is a hard habit to break.

I am here because I feel whole with him, that I am disgusted at the thought of severing myself by leaving my other half. I am here because I’ve been so in the past five years.

I am here because I enjoy him, his company. I am here because I feel alive with him…enjoying his joys, his little-boy-giggly-moments, his pains, his schemes, his bad plots. I am here because of a maternal instinct to care for this little boy who passes on so well as a man. I am here because I enjoy my title as audience to his private singing sprees. I’m here because I think he’s incurably cute… and sexy at the same time. I’m here because he has become every man to me.

I am here because I take pride in being his happiness. I am here because, to a fault, I believe I give him reason to strive. I am here because he is my best friend, and I am his. I am here because I AM his wife, and no one else has better right to be beside him than I do. (RIGHT ON!)

I am here simply because I love him. And I find no other better reason than that.

Empty-handed Doesn't Always Mean Empty

2004-09-11T10:30:00.000-07:00

I've been too pessimistic and too optimistic about my life at certain indefinite points. Which probably paints the picture what sort of a wreck, and what sort of a perfectionist I can be.

Technically, call it contradictory. Or inconsistent. It all depends how you look at life as well.

The glass is half-empty...or the glass is half-full. It's not quite enough, or I'll just get some more later. Some people are stupid. Some people have not just had enough education. Some people are poor, or they're just out of luck.

I've been trying to be fair with everything... trying to look at things with a different perspective everytime. And it proved to be even more fatal than just having a small mind, or an unwavering belief in something to a fault. I looked at things based on how I thought it was proper to look at it, one point after another...but forgetting to weigh things out in the end and balancing the whole thing. What happens is that I end up with a wishy-washy mind, with nothing but doubt, fear, regret.

In simple terms, I have nothing but bullshit. Or even simpler still, I just have nothing.

I've often looked at what I didn't have instead of looking at what I had. But more recently...I've had the feeling of being empty-handed, yet feeling blessed. How does being empty-handed give you satisfaction? How does having technically no material possession make a mortal feel blessed... one born of impoverished dignity where families technically teach their children that we have nothing to give you but your education... a mother who yearns to have everything to give to her child... a wife who yearns to make her husband's life easier and more satisfactory...a daughter who yearns nothing more than to give back to the parents who sacrificed sweat and blood through so many years? How does it actually happen?

It happens in faith. It happens in the heart...or so it seems.

I look at my daughter and I know I may not have everything to give her now...but we have her. And she is loved. How many children have died on the streets because there was no one to love them and care for them? I look at my mother and know that even if it makes her cry and suffer sometimes....working hard keeps her living. Working towards her goals makes her live everyday and never give up. I look at my husband and know deep in my heart that this will make him happy. I know that even if I cannot make things better and easier for him today, I can help him make that happen tomorrow. It all bases on how I deal with it today... how I wait patiently...how I trust him. If I do not make true my promise to stay with him through this commitment, our marriage in its true sense is a failure. Even if our hands are empty today...I must continue to hold him dear and hold him close for him not to feel that he is empty or that he has nothing.

It happens in faith. And it all happens if I believe that everything happens for a reason and a better purpose.

Even if I canot hold it in my own hands.

DO YOU KNOW ME?

2004-09-03T14:45:00.000-07:00

I’m sure you’ve seen me a lot of times, and felt a myriad of emotions upon inspection. What will surely amuse you though, is that I have stains on my clothes as varied as your emotions…milk, chocolate, marshmallow, even baby powder on my jeans.

And to battle these challenges( sometimes, in vain) I have my new and updated kikay kit, which sometimes turns out to be a bigger bag: what used to be just lipstick, concealer, and pressed powder…now resides in chaotic harmony with baby wipes, a sachet of anti-mosquito lotion, some colored rubber bands and sparkly hair pins, a small wash cloth, a small container of soap, and of course, diapers. Since I’ve started to wean, though, there have also been occasional feeding bottles. Not to mention, the melted candies I’ve forgotten to dispose of in the bottom of the bag.

You’ve surely seen me. I was the one who expertly held a nursing baby in one hand, holding on to an MRT railing with the other, plus trying to cover any exposed skin with the extra elbow. And all this while keeping a straight and nonchalant expression amidst curious and amused glances.

I’ve kept a smiling face even though I’ve felt like sinking under the ground. You know how it feels at family parties. Specially with a baby, much more a newborn. Everybody wants to know how long you labored, how hard. Everybody wants to know why your daughter is losing weight, and are you feeding her right? Everybody wants to know if she really cries that often, and giving all their advice what to do right, what you did wrong. All your titas, probably even your lola…asked if you kept the umbilical cord, and if you used the bigkis.

I was the one with the bawling toddler in the supermarket. I’ve been in the toys department at the mall for the nth time, and I’m always making the big decisions… is it better to buy the Blue’s Clues storytelling toy than the Dora the Explorer Backpack talking toy, or should I buy it at all? Should I let my kid play longer or should I get affected with the salespersons who warn you against playing with toys that state “Try Me”?

I’ve had my share of diet dilemmas : Jollibee, McDonald’s, or Burger King? Rice or fries? Chicken or spaghetti? Combo meal, or Happy meal? And that’s only a bit of it. When I’m at home, I have bigger dilemmas. Vegetables are good for children, but if she won’t eat it, what will I give her? If burgers, hotdogs, and fries are junk food, my menu choices gets shorter . If she eats Honeystars and Koko Krunch for breakfast, lunch and dinner yesterday, she musn’t be wanting to eat it again today, right? Then why is she screaming at the top of her lungs for Honeystars at 7 o’clock in the morning? Not to mention the fact that her leftovers are my breakfast, lunch,
and dinner as well.
You’ve seen me. Probably once or twice out with my friends…in two years. We used to giggle over the most trivial of things…men, or boys as they still were, why the world invented jerks, or when would I meet “The One”? Or more profound things like heaven and hell, or the meaning and purpose of life, and how important love is to a human being’s existence. Now when I get to see them, I would get to be asked how it feels to be in a marriage, a mom, a wife- since I married first. Is it hard, is it easy?

And the trivial things to me are now trivial worries. I worry how my daughter would react to boys, or what I would do in case she meets a jerk, and would she still need me if she meets “The One” already? I still ponder on important things though, like…are there really only four Teletubbies on Teletubbie Land?

You’ve seen me more often…in those “meetings”. They happen even with total strangers, but those who understand your hardships like their own. They happen in supermarkets, in pediatrician clinics, in jeepneys, with new neighbors, even over the internet. We exchange funny, desperate or touching anecdotes about our children and debate over which milk, vitamins, diapers, or discipline tactics are better. Which one really work, and which ones really don’t.

You’ve seen me around, sure. I take a walk most afternoons around the subdivision. Most of the time with a little girl, sometimes with a man too...but it doesn’t matter if I’m with them both or alone. They have one name for me, and I usually answer to it. When my daughter came to this world, that man I called Honey, usually forgets pet names and simply refers to me as Mommy. He even does it when he’s not talking to our daughter!

I don’t even just answer to that anymore. I answer to a cry, a whimper, or even to “Juice! Juice!” , as long as it comes from the small voice I would hear and recognize even if I’m locked up inside the bathroom and doing No.2 (which I eventually postponed a lot of times to be “on call”).

Yep, I’m Mommy. The one who clapped when my little girl finally memorized all the basic and secondary colors for the first time (all of them, wow!). Who danced Ocho-Ocho and Spaghetti with her, and even enjoyed it. The one who bought those pretty red Mary Janes because red looked cute on my daughter (and it matched her birthday dress), if but a little expensive. The one who learned to love Teletubbies because I had to watch it at least 10 times a day. The one who now had the reason to buy toys she wanted as a little girl, clothes she wanted to wear as a little girl, go to places she would have wanted to. The one who put herself in a corner to control her temper, and agreed with gusto when someone said that any mother would understand why some wild animals ate their young ( and even thanked the heavens I wasn’t a wild animal…or else!)

The one who cried because the continued nursing for two years hurt me. The one who cried when a relative insinuated I wasn’t a good mother. The one who kept her chin up when she realized she WAS a good mother, no matter what. The one who worried when her daughter was losing weight, or never gained weight for that matter. The one who wanted nothing in the world but a whole night’s sleep, or a few hours alone reading a book or watching CSI or Sex and the City. The one who so badly wanted to spend time with her husband (if he wasn’t working late in the field, or if our daughter slept early, much better!) The one who feels desperate sometimes, but blessed more often.

Yep, Mommy here. 24 hours a day, seven days a week, for the rest of my life. You know me, you’ve seen me. But if you’re a mother as well…you’ll understand who I really am.

I knew I was getting older when…

2004-09-03T14:20:00.000-07:00

I knew it would come one day…but not one day SO SOON. Nowadays I would stop dead in my tracks and realize… WAIT! Was that time that just ran over me without my knowing it?

I would be first to admit I was scared of becoming “old” because I was one of those naughty adolescents who smirked at parents who tried to be fashionable, who tried so hard to be “uso”. Don’t get me wrong! It’s just I myself, eversince, did not believe in purposefully dressing, acting, talking, or (god forbid) dancing a certain way to be “cool”.

And it happened.

I became Mommy.( And well, becoming Honey also ages me a bit…hehehe)

And suddenly I understand.

I know I had gotten older (aka uncool) when…

… suddenly time seemed to fly. I look at Jylianne and I wonder where my baby had gone. And imagine she’s only three! When I was in my teens, it always seemed such a long time until my crush called again, or until next Saturday to go to Hard Rock, or the months you had to wait until Grad Ball.

… I started using the sentence “ When I was in my teens” or “when I was your age”

… I started asking people about the clothes I wear --- whether my arms looked humongous, or my belly was jutting out… and making a conscious effort not to look too Mommy-ish. ( “Mukha bang nanay?” or “Mukha bang loshang?”)

… I started acquiring an even faster version of my mom’s machine gun mouth (no offense, Ma!) Even my own mother, who would laugh when I tell her I was becoming like her, would shake her head a little at the slightest RAT-TA-TA-TA-TAT, most of the time at messed up toys, a spilled glass of milk, or food that wasn’t eaten

… I started having discipline words of “ If Mommy says you do this, just do it! I won’t make you do anything bad for you!”

… I’m listening to music (Evanescence, Beyonce, Maroon 5, Avril, the like) and I’m thinking that those are the genres Jylianne would smirk about when I’m forty and listening to it only on Sundays, on programs dedicated to oldies music

… I remember my childhood crush Nick Carter and think my daughter will probably think “Eww, sino yan? Ang baduy ni Mommy.”

… I start wondering what I’ll feel if Jylianne does suddenly grow up and she acquires friends, does her own things, gets her own life. I feel sappy when I wonder if she’ll still need me

… I wanted to spend the rest of my life with ONE MAN ( and he wasn’t even a man yet when I thought that)

…I woke up one day and I changed my mind about that

… I woke up again one day and thought I was a mature woman, and when I make decisions, I stick to it (only old people think that way, di ba? Trying to convince themselves the mistakes they made weren’t actually mistakes)

… I had admitted my mistakes to myself

… I actually knew what my mistakes were, the right from the wrong

… I knew the right from the wrong, but remained adultly hard-headed enough to maintain the wrongs I liked…hehehe

Hay, whatever. Doesn’t really matter whenever, wherever, whatever ages me…this heart will never age.

The One Who Got Away

2004-08-27T11:10:00.000-07:00

People are always talking about it. People are always warning you, guiding you, or plain poking their noses into it.

The one who got away.

When talking about "unrequited love", he never gets unmentioned. The same way goes when talking about "a love gone wrong", "a love that was never meant to be", "a love that will never be mine", " a love that was almost mine".

The should-haves,what-haves,could-have-beens...they never run out.

How do you definitely know he was the One?

Once it was said that the one you think about at certain times was the one who got away. The one your mind keeps coming back to, thinking what else you could have done to make him stay, and what you really had done to make him leave. He's the one who stirs up a boil in you with just the thought of his smile. He's the one who practically drives you to insanity but the one who makes you stay grounded. The one who made dreams come true, and the one who failed you. The one who left, or the one you pushed away?

However the circumstances placed it...he was the one who got away and you know it. However you deny it, you know deep in your heart, someone lurks in there and keeps you wondering,how would have love fated? Would it have lasted,would it have ended as soon as it started?

You just know.

In the deep tresses of your heart, someone lives on. And though you try to hide to hide it, memories will keep reminding you.

12 Better Explanations of LOVE....(reposted only!)

2004-08-27T09:40:00.000-07:00

1) Don't turn your back to love when it's already in front of you.Don't drive it away from you, because if you do, someday, you'll thinkagain, why you let love flew when it was there next to you.

2) In Love, think things first over if you're sure about how you feel.Don't fall too hard not knowing where you will stand, 'coz it will hurt real bad if things don't go the way you want them to be.

3) It's an irony to know that it takes hours for someone to have guts to say "hi" to the one he likes, days to admire,weeks to miss the person, months to love, but just a blink of an eye to say goodbye...

4) Go for the person who loves you. It is not wrong to love someonewho belongs to someone else, but it is much better to love someone who could also love you in return.

5) Love isn't something we hold, it is something we set free. It's not something we just do, but it's something we don't imagine to be. Lastly, it's not something we choose, it chooses us...

6) The scariest thing about falling in love is getting hurt. The scariest thing about getting hurt is not being able to love again. The scariest thing about not loving again is being alone forever.

7) When you follow your heart, worry not where it will lead you,for your heart knows the way. And if you do get lost or reach a dead end,use your head to lead you back home.

8)When you truly care for someone, you don't look for faults, youdon't look for answers, you don't look for mistakes. Instead, you fightfor the mistakes, you accept the faults, and you overlook excuses.

9) It's better to lose your pride to the one you love, than loseyour loved one to your useless pride.

10) Love is .........not "it's your fault ", but " i'm sorry ",not " where are you ? ", but " i'm here ",not "how could you ?", but "i understand", not " i wish you were here ", but " i'm thankful you are ".

11) The beginning of love is to let those we love be justthemselves, and not twist with our own image. Otherwise, we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.

12) If a relationship is truly meant for you, your love will find away to make it happen, and God will be there to make sure it will stay. =)

Left Alone in the Middle, Nothing Seems Right

2004-08-26T18:40:00.000-07:00

When the river bends two ways, where do you go?

Standing at crossroads, what path do you take? Do you take the one not usually tread upon, the one you really want to go to, but the path is longer, narrower, harder to go through? Or do you follow where the currents take you? Do you let it take you where you know exactly where you're going to, but not exactly want to? Do you take a shortcut, or do you stop and smell the roses, savor the sunset, take life as it is and what it has to offer for the time being?

I am at a point in my life where I stand at crossroads.

I am too young to sit back, yet they say I am old enough to stop running through the fast lane. I am too young to give up my hopes of my dreams coming true, yet I am old enough to know exactly what I want to do with my life...or should have wanted.

I am too young to know what true love is, yet I am old enough to experience it, to have it. I am too young to know if love really does last forever, or at least last me through my lifetime. I am old enough to know though, and old enough to have seen it with my very eyes, that sometimes love doesn't last, that sometimes love is a sacrifice, that sometimes love hurts, and that sometimes love is just a lie.

I am too young to be a mother,they say, yet I am too old to be my mother's baby. That
doesn't suite me well on the days when I want to be treated like one...during the days I wish my needs to be attended to, be cared for, be hugged...days when I can barely carry my own heart.

I am too young to give up on life, yet with the things I know, and with a lifetime long ahead...sometimes it feels like age will never do a difference.

At crossroads, what path do you take? Choosing between two sides, which one will it be? How do you know it will be the right choice?

Standing in between, where do you go?

My Prince Charming,The Frog

2004-08-24T17:35:00.000-07:00

We've all dreamt of an everlasting love that will sweep us off our feet and make us live happily ever after. In my case, romance novels,movies,and love songs took a great part in making me pine for it. Plus, having a father image who didn't quite fit into the Prince Charming part, and hero-worshipping an uncle who was a practical angel. I always thought, though hard, that I would find a prince who would treat me like a queen.

Well,guess what? Early on in my life, I found him. And surely I was a great factor why we'd stuck together. We always laugh about people not actually thinking we would last. No one believed we could make it for a few months...but we did. And the rest, as they say, is history.

Or so I thought.

It is now that I realized that life is surely a long road. And love, being a great part of life, takes up a long part of it. You wake up one day...crash,bang,boom! Prince Charming is actually a frog.
It doesn't take just one kiss to make him a prince. I realized it takes several hundreds...even thousands...which would make him a prince to my eyes.

What I'm saying is that, the one you may find one day will not be perfect. My mistake was to think that he was. That was why I felt depleted,depressed,even desolate...everytime he let me down on my expectations of him. I always let myself believe that I had accepted him for who he was. But I wasn't truly prepared for the changes that would come to him,to us,even to me, that would prove important for the growth of our relationship.

I was selfish to a fault. I had let my childhood dreams of Prince Charming get in the way of a real and nurturing love. I had not seen that Prince Charming was actually a King who had other problems to solve and his own life. I was a queen wannabe who wanted the whole world, who wanted to be the whole world for him, who expected the world from a man who cannot give me everything, but his love.

Life surely is a long road. And now that I know, I'll make sure I won't get to the end of it without the right one...the real one...not who I want him to be.

FINALLY!

2004-08-22T19:52:00.000-07:00

I've been waiting for a chance like this...bakit ba ngyn lng to? Frustrated writer's haven ito!
Ang saya!