It Hurts like Hell...pero Quits na Tyo

I don't have a lot to say. Everything that should have been said and done, had been said and done.

I feel like bursting into flames, but that's not physically possible. If it were, I would be gone by now.

The major difference is that I have a daughter...that's why I can't die. I have a major motivation to live...because I want to care for someone, someone makes me feel as if she needs me, someone needs to be loved.

Masakit to, hayup ka talaga, pero quits na tyo at ako na lng ang nakakaalam nun.(HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA)

Love makes you live longer

I was watching Oprah awhile ago...and the doctor said that having someone in your life makes you actually live longer.

He said that constant reminder and correction from people who really care can make the difference.

Come on! Really now?

I guess it just proves true for the people who think the people around them remind and correct them, to the point of nagging them, for the sole purpose of love. "You do do this because I know you love me."

Hell. I've met people who will never think that way. "I know you do this because you have nothing better to do."

"If you would only get a life of your own, you wouldn't be poring over me so much. Are you obsessed with me?"

"If you only had half a brain you would think I can take care of my own damn self."

Sounds familiar? Look around. The people you expect to understand and know how much you care for them may actually not care that YOU care.

So rethink your relationships. They may let you live longer if you share them with the people who will truly and sincerely care.

(Edited Dec.13,2004)

A Mouse In the Rat Race

I've been jobhunting for months, but still jobless. I had such a great, optimistic view of my life, until all this jobhunting made me feel like a major loser.

In the rat race out there...specially with all your call center friends and family members, who earn thousands even within the vast complaints of your mind turning to lugaw... I am nothing but a mouse.

Scrambling away at leftovers.

I was a dreamer before all this happened. Before Life happened.

And I realized what a fool I was to not look at the bigger picture. A hundred other
employees- to-be scrambling for a single job. A dozen other young persons who have parents to take care of that little problem...young, idealistic, bold. But a lot more of those young people who have family expectations to meet, siblings to send to school, young families to uphold.

Should we really be running in the rat race like everyone else?

That is the answer to this problem.

It's all a matter of choice. Where you want to put yourself, is where and what you are. You lose if you think you're a loser.

And inevitably...I think I'm not like that. I'm young, I'm bright, I'm damn talented...and bless me...I'm beautiful...!!!

For now I'll take being the mouse... mice have their own ways anyhow...little ones scampering about until you don't realize it hits you one day...they've set-up house at your own space and taken control of everything, especially you.

Nyaaaahhh! (sensha medjo morbid mood ngyn...hehehe)

"Parang Kayo Pero Hindi"

It was a bad case of deja vu as I read a forwarded email this afternoon. I almost stopped myself from choking out in snorts.

It never fails to bring a woman down...LOVE. Out of the million things God could have made to make women happy, it had to be a man. Tish-tush! If you ask me, he should have thought Meiji Black Chocolate was worthy enough.(Basically the reason why I'm NOT God...)

How stupid was I to have gotten myself in this situation? When I was in high school and made myself assume that a guy liked me...looking back...well, that was plain innocence. Now that I have my own daughter, and a marriage, to boot...I think this is ignorance. Love and ignorance is a deadly combination, believe me! A thousand cliches to point that out to you....Love is a road, love is an obstacle course, love is blind... put them all together, and you see my point.

With a thousand other combinations on love, you'd think people would be rushing out the doorway to Singlehood Suites instead of staying at Couples Condo. But people have become masochists lately, and inevitably have developed a greater tolerance for pain. ( I guess so
have I...)

"Who cares if he doesn't call me tonight? He must be busy...that poor driven,passionate,workaholic man. Who cares if we can't go out today? His deadline must be tight, and damn that bitch of a boss he has! Who cares if I split a few more hours with his drinking buddies and he'd be late? I have my own life...I don't need his presence to be happy."

Well, wake up, darling.

Everyone needs to be loved, and it's an absolute futile denial to tell yourself you don't need anyone to be happy. It's been such a fashionable statement to convince everyone, specially yourself that you can definitely, absolutely,completely be happy without anyone to love you.

Had a taste of hugging lately? Had a kiss? Had anyone brush a stray hair away from your face? Had anyone send you a message to let you know where they were, simply because they knew it was important for you to know, that you just spent your last peso, and that you won't be able to load up for a few more hours? Had anyone tell you that you're beautiful? Had anyone tell you how important what you had done was for them? How important YOU were for them?

How's that?

Hoo, boy...Love. It drives you crazy doesn't it? Just when you think you've got your act together, packed your bags (emotional and otherwise), and rearing to run out the door ala Disney princess in a wispy, flowing ballgown... he smiles at you, and you forget you were a blabbering bunch of frustration and pain.

You forget he rarely lets you know he remembers you (if he does) throughout the day...and you instead choose to remember the moments when he does. You forget that day he came late because he was with his friends...and think "well, at least it was with friends, right?"
You just forget. And remember.

I smile at my cynical image in the mirror and turn my head back to the screen. Damn emails. Damn men. Damn this goddamn heart who couldn't care enough if it's buried in snow. Damn this goddamn heart who can't stop loving.

Damn.