A Beautiful Life

It's my last day of being 23...and somehow...it was a freeing feeling. It's funny that some women actually dread aging. But I'm actually teasing myself with growing older.

I am actually relieved that it's a new year. I had very different plans when the year came in...and as usual...life surprised me.

There were the events I thought I had calculated well. There were people whose attitudes I had thought I knew well, and therefore knew they would not get on my trail. There were the days I thought would be over soon, but they weren't just over yet.

Even funnier still... how life turns out beautiful because of the very things you never expected, thought of or imagined.

Nevertheless, life is always wonderful. I had been through the days when I thought my chest would burst, and I would weep to God... but they were welcome. I always hoped that I would never have to endure another headache in my lifetime, but I knew very well that it was inevitable.

I suppose this just comes from the deep faith I have in God, as well as in myself. I always believed that he would never give me anything that I could not handle, and that this life he gave me was best looked at through rose-colored spectacles, but in clear sight. No matter what rains may come, the world is in color because I chose to look at it that way.

This is my token of gratitude to God for giving me another year to live... as well as for the past 23 years that have been. Each and every moment counted, I knew...no matter if I went through it with ease or pain.

This is the life He gave me...and heck, what a life it was!

The Heart Never Forgets by Leann Rimes

And I started reliving the past,
When I saw his face.
Suddenly, to my surprise,
I felt a tear fall from my eyes.
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
A face on a crowded street,
An old movie on T.V.,
A song on the radio
Can bring it all back.
Years roll by,
One by one,
All things change,
But there's always someone,
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
(musical interlude)
The heart never forgets,
No the heart never forgets.
You can find someone,
And live your life,
Put an old memory out of your mind,
But the heart never forgets.
No the heart never forgets.
Ooh, yeah.

Wednesday, March 02, 2005 9:41:00 AM
Subject:
survey-ing...enjoying this!!!:)

1.Ano present state of mind mo ngayon? - tinatamad.... but at peace nonetheless

2. Do you love singing? > kng pwede lng magising bukas na diva na ko eh...why not?!?

3. Eh dancing? > my body is a wonderfland....hehehehe

4. Pag masaya ka ano ginagawa mo? >smile

5. Eh pag inLove ka? - smile a lot

6.Are you a hot-tempered person? > mabuti na yang nilalabas agad kaysa magka-heart attack

7. Sino nagke-care sayo ng sobra? > > sisters,parents,family..cheesy answers..asyd frm jeff,marami tlga friends u dnt expct wl b dr but they will be

8. May nagsabi na ba sayo na ang ganda ganda mo?> teka a...bilangin ko lng...hehehe

9. May nagsabi na ba sayo na mahal na mahal ka niya?> teka a bilangin ko lng..hehe..jke..as of nw d only 1 that matters has...countlessly...

10. May nagsabi na ba sayong sexy ka?>teka a bilangin ko lng....HEHEHEHE

11. Umiinom ka ba ng beer? > ***t, lumakas nga in the last yr..nu b yan?

12. Nag ii-smoke ka ba? > ah...yan ang di mabibilang...

13. Ano mas gusto mo Bad boy/Bad girl o Good boy/Good girl? > bad boy ichura pero goodboy attitude (it applies to both sexes) :D---winner!!!

14. Pag nadapa ka ano gagawin mo? > tumayo na prang lng nangyari

15. May namimiss ka ba ng sobra? > :)

16. Do you like pets? > kulang na lng magtayo ako ng zoo eh...hamsters,wyt mice,puppies,cats,birds,fish...

17. Mahilig ka ba sa sports? > manood.want to play bt it seems yun ang di ko mgwa in my lyftym

18. Mahilig ka ba sa Music? >to death

19. Nakakain ka na ba ng Exotic foods? > stingray's my fave,...kng exotic yun..at dpat luto ng lolo ko

20. Ano mas gusto mo chocolate!> MEIJI BLACK CHOCOLATE...at hindi magbabago yun...mmmmm...

21. Bakla or tomboy? > pareho, m nt judgmntal, i enjoy every1:)

22. Butiki or Baboy? > baboy..ndi icky e..

23. May na-hurt ka ?> not intentionally/intentionally

24. Did he cry? > > YEAH (& some of it I enjoyed..oo na cge na...bad na ko..)

25. Ano name ng na-hurt mong guy/girl > kelangan pa ba yun?!?

26. Ano mas gusto mo yung taong mahal mo o yung taong nagmamahal sayo? > yan ang na-realize ko nw...dpat I chose sum1 who jst loved me, di the other way around.. mas masaya dpat lyf...

28. Do you consider yourself the best? > no...just good,better than some,the best at certain things...hehehe

29. Naligo k na ba? > ayaw pa ni jylianne eh...so di pa...

30. Anong oras ka naligo? >nung napancn ko nililibag na ko..wehehe.

31. Ano pakiramdam mo ngayon? - tinatamad nga

32. Sino iniisip mo ngayon?> :)

33. Matapos mong sagutan ito masaya ka ba? > yeah...surveys are getting to be so addictive...and addictions give me a little high...heeheheheh

How can I fall

Give me time to care, the moments here for us to share
Still my heart is not always thereWhat more can I say to you
Could I lie to you,
I'm just too weak to face the truth
Now I know I should make a move
What more can I say

How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all
When all faith is gone, I fight myself to carry on
Yet I know of the harm I do, what more can I say to you

Now I hold this line, I know the choice to leave is mine
I can't help what I feel inside
What more can I say
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons at all

I'll follow through, I'll see I do
When the time is more right for you
I'll make that move, and when I do
Will I doubt again, the way I do

How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons at all
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons
Just won't give me reasons
Just won't give me reasons at all

How can I fall, I fall, I fall
How can I fall for you
How can I fall, how can I fall
When you just won't give me reasons
When you just won't give me reasons

"somebody you Love" VS "somebody you like"

Know the difference between "somebody you Love"
and "somebody you like"
In front of the person you like, your heart beats faster
But in front of the person you love, you get happy.In front of the person you love,
winter seems like spring.
But infront of the person you like, winter is just beautiful winter.If you look into the eyes of the one you like,you blush.
But if you look into the eyes of the one
you love, you smile.In front of the person you like,
you can't say everything on your mind.But in front
of the person you love, you can.In front of the
person you like, you tend to get shy.
But in front of the person you love,
you can show your ownself.
You can't look straight into the eyes of the one
you like.
But you can always smile into the eyes of
the one you love.But when the one you like is
crying, you end up comforting.When the one you
love is crying, you cry with them.

The feeling of like
starts from the ear.
But the feeling of love starts from the eye.

So if you stop liking a person you
used to like, all you need to do is cover your
ears.

But if you try to close your eyes, love turns
into a drop oftear and remains in your heart
forever ...

REALITY BITES (this makes sense)...a repost

I have always been an advocate of the "Please Get over It and Move on" movement...ALWAYS!... no use crying over spilled milk...anhin pang damo kung patay na ang kabayo...that sh*t.. and I never count my chickens... I so hate chickens...

-------------------------------------------------------------------
One always has to know when a stagecomes to an end.If we insist on staying longer than the necessary time, we lose the happiness and the meaning of the other stages we have to go through.

Closing cycles, shutting doors, ending chapterswhatever name we give it, what matters is toleave in the past the moments of life that have finished.Did you lose your job? Has a loving relationship come to an end? Did you leave your parents' house? Gone to live abroad? Has a long-lasting friendship ended all of a sudden?

You can spend a long time wondering why this has happened.You can tell yourself you won't take another step until you find out why certain things that were so important and so solid in your life have turned into dust,just like that.But such an attitude will be awfully stressingfor everyone involved:your parents, your husband or wife, your friends, your children, your sister, everyone will be finishing chapters, turning over new leaves, getting on with life, and they will all feel bad seeing you at a standstill.

None of us can be in the present and the past at the same time, not even when we try to understand the things that happen to us.What has passed will not return: we cannot for ever be children, late adolescents, sons that feel guilt or rancor towards our parents,lovers who day and night relive an affair with someone who has gone away and has not the least intention of coming back.
Things pass, and the best we can do is to let them really go away. That is why it is so important (however painful it maybe!) to destroy souvenirs, move, give lots of things away to orphanages, sell or donate the books you have at home.Everything in this visible world is a manifestation of the invisible world, of what is going on in our hearts and getting rid of certain memories also means making some room for other memories to take their place.

Let things go. Release them. Detach yourself from them. Nobody plays this life with marked cards, so sometimes we win and sometimes we lose. Do not expect anything in return,do not expect your efforts to be appreciated,your genius to be discovered, your love to be understood. Stop turning on your emotional television to watch the same program over and over again, the one that shows how much you suffered from a certain loss: thats only poisoning you, nothing else.

Nothing is more dangerous than not accepting love relationships that are broken off, work that is promised but there is no starting date, decisions that are always put off waiting for the ideal moment. Before a new chapter is begun, the old one has to be finished: tell yourself that what has passed will never come back. Remember that there was a time when you could live without that thing or that person.

Nothing is irreplaceable. A habit is not a need.This may sound so obvious, it may even be difficult, but it is very important.

Closing cycles.

Not because of pride, incapacity or arrogance, but simply because that no longer fits your life. Shut the door, change the record, clean the house, shake off the dust.

Stop being who you were, and change into who you are.


---"Every morning, I get up and look throughthe 'Forbes' list of therichest people in America?
If I'm not there, I go to work"-- Robert Orben

Our songs, baby....

»_Sige_«
by 6cyclemind

Sige, pag kasama ka naman
Kitang-kita ko ang ating kasiyahan
Sige, wag na nating pigilan
At di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya

Okay lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang, babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang basta’t kasama
Konting alak lang kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan naaalala
Di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya

Sige, pagpatuloy nyo lang
Unti-unting lunurin sa kasiyahan
Sige, pagpasensyahan na lang
Mga pumipigil sa ating ligaya

Okay lang naman ang ating usapan
Hindi na lang, babalikan ang nakaraan
Ang nakaraan

Ayos lang basta’t kasama
Konting alak lang kahit walang pulutan
Ang minsan naaalala
Di magtatagal tayo ay liligaya



Jeepney
by Spongecola

Bumaba ako sa jeepney
Kung saan tayo'y dating magkatabi
Magkahalik ang pisngi nating dalwa
Nating dalawa
Panyo mo sa aking bulsa
Ang amoy mo'y naroon pa rin
Tawa nati'y humahalay sa init nating dalawa
Subalit ngayo'y wala naIkaw ay lumayo na
Naaalala ko ang mga gabing nakahiga sa ilalim ng kalawakan
Naaalala ko ang mga gabing magkatabi sa ulan
Kulay nang iyong ngiti
Tikwas ng iyong buhok
At ang lambot ng iyong labiIyong labi
Kahit anino mo sa malayo
Ay nais masulyapan
Upang mapawi
Ang lamig

M No Playah (a truthful prayer)

Tngna...akala nyo astigin ko kyo? Kala nyo gamitin ko yung SUPERB ENGLISH SKILLS ko para...la lang?!?

Hindi porke pinag-aral ako ng pamilya ko sa magandang eskwelahan eh hindi ako marunong makipag-baklaan....na di ako marunong makipag-murahan...na pa-sosyal ako at di ako cowboy(mas gus2 ko ko-boy sabihin yun).

Dahil mas maraming basura sa mundo. Naturingan pinag-aral ng magulang di ginagamit ang ulo. Naturingan na pinag-aral sa eskwelahang tinitirhan pa kamo ng madre eh mas balahura pa kung umarte.

Shit, sige na nga. Lokohin nyo na kami lahat.

Akala ata nila ganun din ako. Marami na kong pinagdaanan sa buhay ko at di nyo na ko pwedeng gaguhin. Lahat na lang ata nadaanan ko na ng isang beses. Kaya wag tayong mag-gaguhan. Kung sino ka, iharap mo sakin. Kung ano ka,iharap mo sakin. Kung ano tingin mo sakin, iharap mo rin sakin....at wala rin naman ako pakialam talaga dahil wala naman ako pakialam sa sasabihin ng kahit sino ngayon...narinig ko na yan lahat.

At hindi na ko naloloka sa kahit ano.

Ang akin lang....di ko pinaglalaruan ang nararamdaman ng ibang tao. Kung ginusto mo ko, GO. Kung ayaw mo sakin, GO. Di ako namimili ng taong haharapin at sasamahan. Di rin kasi ako nambabalewala ng nararamdaman ng iba. Insensitive lang ako pag gusto ko. Kung ayaw mo,wag mo. Kung gusto mo,eh di gusto mo. Sino ba ko para pigilan ka?

Di lang ako ganun sa pag-ibig. Pati sa kaibigan. Pero mas lalo na sa pag-ibig...sige na,aminan na ito. (Kung wala kang pakialam...bat mo binabasa to?)

Kahit kelan di ko pinaglaruan ang iba. Sabi nga ng isang kakilala ko..."Di bale nang wag ka maneryoso...ok lng yun...pero wag ka lng manloloko. May karma yun. Malaki balik nun."

TAMA KA DUN,DUDE!!!

Pag binuksan mo bibig mo at lumabas dun ang mga bagay na gustong marinig ng iba...at alam mo namang gusto nila marinig yun...(tanga lang ang walang alam)....KARMA abot mo nyan.
Pag alam mo namang may masasaktan kang iba pero gagawin mo pa rin, KARMA abot mo nyan.
Pag alam mo namang pinagkatiwalaan ka nya pero tatanga-tanga ka at sinayang mo ang tiwalang binigay syo lalu na kung alam mong hirap na hirap sha ibigay yun syo,KARMA abot mo nyan.

Di naman ako galit.

Tapos na ko sa galit sa buhay ko. Ayoko nang magalit kahit kanino, dahil ayokong masabihan ng "KARMA ABOT MO NYAN" tulad ng ginagawa ko ngayon sayo.

Ewan. Noon kasi ako naman ang tatanga-tanga eh. Ako na lang ang pinaglaruan ng lahat ng tao. Pero ayoko nga gawin sa iba, at alam ko namang Diyos na ang bahala sakin. Ibabalik din nya ang lahat ng tiwala,pakikisama,at pag-ibig na binibigay ko. Quesejodang paglaruan mo ko...quesejodang di mo ko seryosohin...quesejodang hindi talaga ako ang ikasasaya mo, basta wag mo na ang akong guguluhin. Para mahanap ko rin talaga ang para sakin.

Ngayon kung magising ka at ako pa rin pala... magdasal ka. Na sana andun pa ko sa sidewalk para maabutan mo ko pagbaba ko noon sa jeepney mo. Kasi kung hindi, umangkas ka na ng ibang pasahero. Baka nakasakay na ko sa iba, libre pa pamasahe. (Sabi kasi sa bumper sticker "Barya lang sa umaga, libre na sa maganda" hehehehe)

Kaya bahala na rin ang Diyos sa inyong mga pinaglalaruan lang ang puso ng iba. Sana nga di ka abutin ng karma mo. Dahil yun ang pinagdadasal kong wag na wag mangyayari sakin habangbuhay. Ngayon, kung mangyari naman sakin, sana di na lang Niya ko pabayaan. At alam ko namang di Nya gagawin yun.

Kung meron mang nagmahal talaga sakin ng lubos...kung meron mang hindi ako pinabayaan kahit kelan... ang Diyos lang yun. Nagsisisi nga ko kasi minsan ako na nga ang nakakalimot sa Kanya. Pero hindi Nya ko nakalimutan kahit kelan. Minsan, oo, pinahihirapan din nya ko...pero dahil lang pinagkakatiwalaan Nya ko na "KAYA MO YAN, hindi kita bibigyan ng hindi mo kaya". O, db? Ang lakas ng powers!!!

Kaya maingat din ako sa idadasal ko...kasi sa Kanya lang din talaga ko nagsusumbong eh...(pag di ko na kaya,pag masaya ko, pag wala lang...chums kme ni Papa God e)... mahirap na, baka may masabi akong ibigay Nya, kahit ano pa ang rason. Eh bka ako nmn ang hindi makakaya sa sinabi ko. Mahirap na. Kargo pa kita sa konshensha ko( oo, meron ako nun,e ikaw?).

Kya sa mga WALAAAANG katigil-tigil sa paglalaro ng puso ng iba, maghunos-dili ka! (hahahaha) Ayan na ang karma, hinahabol ka! Hala,hala,hala! Ayan na sa likod mo,wag kang titingin,aabutan ka na!

Ayan,kasi, tatanga2 ka. Ganyan tlga yan. Kung di ka aabutan ng karma....hahabulin ka ng mga multo mo...hahabulin ka rin ng lahat ng ginawa mo sa buhay mo...kaya kung ako sayo, sa susunod, konting ingat naman. Konting konsensha, konting gamit sa utak. Mahal ang tuition fee ngayon, at mahal makapag-aral. Wag mong sayangin ang ipinagod ng pamilya mo pra lng magkalaman ang ulo mo...tpos di mo pa gagamitin. Tanga.

Subject:ABC -saya2!!!(survey on friendster)

Tuesday, February 01, 2005 2:50:00 PM
Subject:
ABC -saya2!!!

1. A- Age >> 19 (lang ko2ntra!)-NAH, 23&aging gracefully,thanks

2. B - best asset >> personality?png-contest pro un tlga e...sense of humour kya?smile? aura? I'm not really that vain e...tamang arte lng,hehe

3. C - Career >> my marriage...it really needs a lot of work now...hehehehe....

4. D - Drink or smoke >> smoke

5. E - Easiest person/s to talk to >> my sis geli

6. F - Food that you could never eat >> uh,lahat kinakain ko...;)

7. G - Gummy Bears or Gummy Worms - >> WORMS!

8. H - Hobbies >> playing the guitar,dance or sing mag1 or ksma c jyl, mag-blog 4ver, study playn d piano,catch up on tv shows,b a yaya 2 my orig big baby:)

9. I - In-love? >> .......?/???/ wldn't actually say that...

10. J - Junk food you like >> oishi natural flavor

11. K - Kids >> yeah, hav 1,my pretty girl JYL!

12. L - Longest drive ever >> 1 lng,ppuntang vigan na sumakit na nga pwet ko,may sermon pa kinagabihan,hehe

13. M-My favorite sport >> not athletic...but wld want to b

14. N - Number of siblings>> lahat na?haha...3 tpos 1 na kinuha na ni papa god,1 older brother,&1 unconfirmed..haha

15. O - One wish you have? >> wishing dust muna!..cguro that I cld rewind my life...not to really change things, but have a chance to live it again, 2 c kng may iibahin ba ko or matigas p rin ulo ko at gagawin ko pa rin laht ulit!!

16. P - Phobias >> love&all the s**t with it (seryoso...)

17. Q - Favourite Quote >> can u evr make a writer choose jst 1?

18. R - Reason to smile >> ngyn?when jeff smiles..it's nostalgic 4 me..tgal kc di nkta yun e...

19. S - Song you sang last >>kgbi...kme ni jyl...if the feeling is gone

20. T - time you woke up >> 7:00am

21. U - Unknown fact about u - >> hmm..mrmi kyo di alam at nvr mala2man ...i relish things that are mine and only mine...madamot ako e...:) pg may iba ka- share ayoko na :p

22. V - Vegetable/fruit you love - >> lahat ok ako

23. W - Worst habit >> screaming things i don't really mean to say wen im mad,kht 22o lahat ng cnabi ko

24. X - X-rays you've had >>none

25. Y - Yummy food/s >> lahat nga kinakain ko e...pero tokyo2 tlga ko...ska chowking wanton soup and miki...and shrimp salad sa chef d'angelo...lugaw sa rosver's...at ulam sa 3 sisters...cge sama mo na rin mechado benta ni mrs.bonoan :) sisig ng dencio's...o sisig ng almer's...bsta sisig game ako...ska dampa sa timog! tangina kng la lng bad memories dun,super sarap dun!!!

26. Z - Zodiac sign >> pisces

Ako'Y Sa Iyo, Ika'Y Akin

ganda-ganda!! one of my all-tym faves(sounds good on my guitar too!hehehe)...I just feel like too many people are singing it out there and yet they don't really mean it... i just hope broken hearts willl never see a day out in the world again...nakainis e...kahit ako pa yung reason...kung ano man ung reason( dahil kahit diosa ko di na kme pwede...hehehe... or dahil meron ako nung wala sha....HARHAR...)
No,honest. I hate broken hearts...kya i don't like the feeling when somehow I feel responsible for one...kahit wala nmn ako ginagawa. Kahit sa friend mo nmn eh,db? You hate seeing his or her heart getting broken...you feel as if you could have done something,want to do somthing to help...kya lang it's real and true...you can't be responsible for anyone's heart but your own...

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ikaw na ang may sabi
Na ako'y mahal mo rin
At sinabi mong
Ang pag-ibig mo'y 'di magbabago
Ngunit bakit sa tuwing ako'y lumalapit ika'y lumalayo
Puso'y laging nasasaktan pag may kasama kang iba
'Di ba nila alam
Tayo'y nagsumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
Ika'y akin lamang

Kahit anong mangyari
Pag-ibig ko'y sa 'yo pa rin
Kahit ano pa
Ang sabihin nila'y ikaw pa rin
Ang mahal
Maghihintay ako kahit kailan
Kahit na Umabot pang ako'y nasa langit na
At kung 'di ka makita
Makikiusap ka'y Bathala
Na ika'y hanapin
Ipaalala sa iyo
Ang nakalimutang sumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
At ika'y akin lamang

Oh.....
Umasa ka
Maghihintay ako kahit kailan
Kahit na
Umabot pang ako'y nasa langit na
At kung 'di ka makita
Makikiusap kay
Bathala Na ika'y hanapin at sabihin
Ipaalala sa iyo
Ang nakalimutang sumpaan
Na ako'y sa iyo
At ika'y akin lamang

Pseudo relationships.. (reposted from Peach)

Tuesday, February 08, 2005 1:54:00 PM
4 those who dont hav any1 to call their own and resorting to this kind of trick...think again dudes...di lng kyo affected kc sum1s dr behind u & trusting u...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Others call it MU or mutual understanding.Pseudo-relationships.Pseudo-boyfriends.Pseudo-girlfriends.Flings.Almost like a relationship, but not quite.It is a phase where the persons involvedare more than friends, but not quite lovers.Puwedeng may verbal agreement,puwedeng wala.One or both of you may have admitted yourfeelings,possible ding hindi.You just let your gestures do the talking foryou.Walang pormal na ligawan na nangyari.Hindi kayo mag-dyowa.Pero sa kilos niyo,sa mga sinasabi niyo,parang kayo,pero hindi.

This kind of "relationship"can happen at different stages for different reasons.It can happen after a break-up.You still love each other,and you want to be with each otherbut you broke up for a reason.And for reasons that you alone know,ayaw niyo na muna magkabalikan.

It can also happen before a relationship,iyong pareho kayong nakikiramdam.Possible din na ayaw niyo munang mag-seryoso kaya kunwa-kunwarian lang muna.Testing lang. (tama ba un?!) Puwede ring hindi puwedeng maging kayo kasi isa sa inyo may ka-relasyon na.Kaya habang hindi pa siyanakikipag-break doon sa boy/girl(sabi niya makikipag-break siya soonpero di naman niya ginagawa),wala muna kayong relasyonpara nga naman hindi siya nangangaliwakasi "hindi naman kayo."

This pseudo-relationship stage,for a time, can be fun.Lalo na kung naghahanap ka lang naman ng "KALARO." Pero huwag ka lang mag-e-expect na may patutunguhan kayo kze wala talagang kasiguraduhan.So bakit ang daming nagse-settlesa ganitong set up ganoonghindi naman siguradokung may patutunguhan?Iba't ibang dahilan.Puwedeng for fun lang.Puwedeng "buti na iyan kesa wala" or puwede na iyang "pantawid-gutom." Meaning, habang wala pa iyong the real thing,doon muna sa kunwa-kunwarian.For those who are not in a serious relationship,they would think that pseudo-relationshipis better than no relationship at all. It would be fun, if all you're after is that "kilig" feeling.But then I learned that although it wasonly a pseudo-relationship,the emotions were real.And usually, in this kind of set up,merong malulugi.."ung nainlove sa taong taken na.."

Una, you can't ask him/her to commit.Since it's not really a relationship,you can't demand commitment from your partner.Ano ba kayo? You will always be uncertain about your role in his/her life.You can't expect him/herto be always there with you.And if you feel jealous of the other boys/girls,you just have to keep it to yourself.Ano ka ba niya para magselos?

Pangalawa, what ifyou fall deeply in love with him/her?You can't be sure if he/she feels the same way.Baka nag-a-assume ka lang na mahal ka rin niya. Even if you are dyingto tell him/her you love him/her, you can't.Because you're not sure if he/she will like it.Baka mapahiya ka lang.
This stage will always make you wonder where you are in the relationship. Or if there is a relationship at all.

Pangatlo, what if you become attached too much?What if you have invested all your emotions and this man/womanhasn't? What if you remain faithful to him/her, not entertaining other guys/gals,only to find out that he/she is seeing other girls/boys?Isa pang downside ng pseudo-relationships, it is fleeting.When a disagreement sets in, or when one of you gets cold,then that would be the end of it.Unlike in a serious relationship, hindi mo alam kung saan ka lulugar sa isang pseudo-relationship.Wala kang pinanghahawakan.Kasi sa pseudo- relationship,there is no "us."Meron lang "you and me," hindi "us"--------may tinamaan ba?!

The Story of "What If?"

I have an acquaintance from way back college years, and his name was Janus. He was my then boyfriend's good friend, and he inevitably became one of the people I would look forward to being with.

Years passed and I never came across Janus, if not for the occasional mentioning of his name. I lived my life...he lived his...me as a housewife, marrying my college sweetheart (Janus' friend)...and him as a law student. (But that's not what this story is about. I'm just giving you a little introduction so that you would appreciate Janus for his story)

Anyway, I saw Janus again after almost three years, and it was funny he should ask about married life. I guess a few beers really make a difference. Thus goes Janus' story...

Man#1( let's call him Paul) was going to get married to Woman#1(Jane). Woman#2(Patricia) was getting married to Man#2(Chris). Under the strangest circumstance, for some crazy weekend, Paul and Patricia met at the same hotel, and had a flirtation that led to a whirlwind romance.
Evidently, it wasn't just an affair, because both of them seriously considered cutting off both of their engagements, or eloping together. But they knew they had to do the "right thing", and broke up their affair to get married to their respective partners.

Paul's heart did not keep him quiet though. He thought about Patricia often, and the same thing went for her. One night, while the hotel's maintenance man was fixing the lightbulb in his room, he had opened up his dilemma, and asked the man what he thought he should do.

The maintenance man smiled and told Paul this : " I have been happily married for 20 twenty years to Rita, but there was never a day that passed that I thought 'What if...I had been married to Maria instead?' "

After that story, I had laughed at Janus' face. How true was that story anyway? How stupid was it that people actually married each other without really committing to loving each other? Do they just wake up one day and say "I wish I was married to someone else instead?" Is it actually really happening that people married for the wrong reasons, and marry not because of love?

I had laughed at Janus. But Janus... you make me bleed. You know you do.

Because somewhere out there...someone may be thinking I wish I was married to her instead. Somewhere out there, at some point or another...my husband may think he wasn't married to me, and wish instead to be married to someone else.

What has actually happened to love? What exactly has happened to marriage, commitment, and friendship?

The world has become a shore of crabs and its a matter of who gets on top first. The one who doesn't get trampled on, and succeeds on trampling on others is the one who wins.

And I guess it's the same thing with love. You want it? Slave over it. Nobody gets anything for nothing anymore nowadays. It's bitch and win or you become the loser.

I have let my What-Ifs die a long time ago. They resurface every now and then, and whether my husband likes it or not, we both have to admit it happens. Because I am not stupid, and so is he. What-Ifs are as real as marriage could get, specially with young marriages that start off with dizzy spells, racing heartbeats, and ever tingling funny bones. It just doesn't happen with real marriages, dear. As they say, some marriages are made in heaven but they all have to be worked out on earth. And both our what-ifs, if any, could only be used for the reality check.
Because I know deep in my heart, my husband loves me, and whether he entertains, or has entertained, the thought or not... I truly believe that what we had is incomparable. We probably only have to be mature enough to accept that marriages are meant to have system breakdowns, but they can be fixed. If only we give it enough time, it may even fix itself without too much effort. And that's a blessing indeed, because marriages require all the efforts you can give.

I may have to say sorry for not believing in Janus at the time, but I haven't forgotten his story. Which may mean, the story was put to good use.

Thank you, Janus...but I think Mr.Maintenance Man could have done better in your story. He could have loved his wife more...could have taken his commitment more seriously...could have become satisfied with what all that his wife had to give...and maybe he would not have what-ifs.

Those who dwell on what-ifs, the past, what was... eventually lose what they have now...and everything.

Letter to a lover

"It's been quite a while...you've really kept me wanting you...you've got some style... so unique, so beautiful, so warm, so deep...."

I'm not sure if it was an unfortunate or fortunate day in my life...but it WAS a day.

I'm not very particular to the kind of man you are...as long as you can capture my eye with a warm smile. And THAT very day... I saw him smiling. Not just the kind of smile you catch while he's laughing and telling stories with his friends, but the kind that's directed to you. The kind of smile that's meant to catch your eye. Even if he really wasn't meaning to direct it to you.

Or was it me? Was I just thinking my usual- thoughts- on- a-really-good-day-when-I-feel-so-hot-and-ravishing?

Whatever it was, whatever the purpose...it caught my eye...and I was hooked for good. It's crazy how a little smile can go great lengths.

In my case, it went a great deal. The smile was simply a prelude to a lot of other things... loving the way he talked...the way he said my name... the way he said his name...the way he held me, even in the most unmalicious of ways... I just saw him sweet and incurably cute.

But sweet moments were made to last you only seconds of your years...and what seemed like a possibility of a lifetime with him shattered to pieces. Cut glass that could wound and scar you forever if you tried to pick them up...try to put the pieces back together and you will find yourself bleeding a silent death.

I bled for him.

It sounds too majestic but it didn't feel that way. I was up to my nose with sh*t but I tried to rescue myself from it. My only redemption...the only light in that dark tunnel...was that I HAD him. For a short period of time he was mine alone, and I can be proud of that.

Because I am human enough to feel that way...because I can prove to myself, say proudly that I know how it feels to sincerely care for someone, and deep in my heart know that I can offer my love if only he had asked for it in the first place.

But the deception was more than I could take. I see in his eyes that he does not feel as if he had deceived me, but he did. I believed him...every single word he had said, every single beautiful word where he had supposedly spoken highly of me and the way he felt for me.

He had deceived me out of my shell. I was in there for self-preservation but he was too good a predator. He knew where to attack me and knew exactly what corner to push me against. I had been more than simply amused with him, I was enamored. I was furious with myself for feeling that way towards him...wanting to give my all, wanting to drop everything with the drop of a hat, wanting to serve him and be the one to give him all that he wanted and needed. I was furious because I was immature to be afraid of how I felt, to be unsure of how HE felt towards me.

You'd know I was nearly going insane because I didn't exactly ask for monogamy, and didn't hope for it. I knew all men were born with the cheating gene. But nonetheless I didn't ask for it...of course hoped for it ( only a hypocrite of a woman would say she absolutely didn't care if her man got interested in another woman )... but trusted him my with my whole heart that he was telling me the truth. That's all I asked for :HONESTY.

But he did change his mind towards me, and THAT was a day as well. That was a day in itself because it opened up a whole new range of revelations about myself.

I realized I should never love someone else before I truly loved myself. I realized I didn't need to be everything to someone until I had done everything for myself. I realized you shouldn't look for someone to complete you...as it was said, a partner should never be supplementary,but complementary. He should be able to act like the other half, not be your other half, because only half of him would not be worthy enough.

It would only be futile effort to make him give you everything, because every person cannot give everything or he would lose himself,his personality,his soul. And what worth a partner is it who has lost himself? I realized you cannot do that as well, give your all... because giving your all is a waste of your years when you have so much to do with your life.

It's a common mistake in love... to feel guilty that you are not everything to someone, to be hurt, to feel deceived... because life was meant to be lived for you. God gave you that life for YOU to enjoy it. That reason He gave us the heart is because he wanted us to see that side of life... that it is beautiful to love, to feel loved...that love in itself is a wonderful thing to have and hold in your arms... but it is only a part of everything that He had given us.

From what I have gone through with him, I am a new person. I cannot deny the bitterness in my voice, cannot hide the traces of a hurting heart, cannot make the doubts disappear with the
snap of my fingertips. But I can be a whole new person who can be proud to walk the streets with an uplifted chin...because I know in my mind and in my heart that I have gone through everything. I can tell the world..."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! So try me again, life! I know I can live through this!"

I have known pain. I have known doubts. I have known deceit. I have loved. I have lost. I have loved again, and I may never stop loving. In the long term I may bring myself to my own pain again. People have become masochists of late, and experiencing pain seems to be the definition
of existence. I cannot help myself from it. I cannot help from making myself feel the pain because I cannot help myself from feeling the affection as well.

Yes, I love him. Above all this theatrics, it's as simple as that. I love him, and you cannot make me forget that. I have a certain love affair with stupidity, but let's leave it at that. I happen to enjoy the moronic feelings that come with relishing another person's embrace,another person's smile, another person's voice,another person's kiss. I don't give out free kisses...it always comes with a part of me. So when I happen to have enjoyed it, I must have absolutely adored him.

Do you know?

I loved you. I really did. I seem to have just gotten stuck in our yesterday... so I'm enjoying it now. In my heart you will always be my smiley face, my dream, my all.

We may still not be meant to be in future...if ever we do find out that love will never ever work for us...if ever in the future we will never be the ones destined to share each other's everydays,todays,and tomorrows... you will always be a part of me...for you have left a part of you with me (duh, go figure)...and I will treasure that forever.

This crazy heart of mine will always find a way back to you, no matter how insane the thought. It will always think that no matter where life takes me, I will still and always will find my way back to you. Your memory will never go away.

I love you baby. And deep in my heart I'm hoping you truly love me and always will treasure the time and affection I have given to you.

No matter how crazy a day it was when I met you, no matter how crazy the days I shared with you, no matter how crazy I have become...

...i will always go back to the day when I saw you smiling, and you let me know that I can truly be alive if only I enjoy each moment...like a smile... no matter how great or little it is.

(feb2'05)