Letter to a lover
"It's been quite a while...you've really kept me wanting you...you've got some style... so unique, so beautiful, so warm, so deep...."
I'm not sure if it was an unfortunate or fortunate day in my life...but it WAS a day.
I'm not very particular to the kind of man you are...as long as you can capture my eye with a warm smile. And THAT very day... I saw him smiling. Not just the kind of smile you catch while he's laughing and telling stories with his friends, but the kind that's directed to you. The kind of smile that's meant to catch your eye. Even if he really wasn't meaning to direct it to you.
Or was it me? Was I just thinking my usual- thoughts- on- a-really-good-day-when-I-feel-so-hot-and-ravishing?
Whatever it was, whatever the purpose...it caught my eye...and I was hooked for good. It's crazy how a little smile can go great lengths.
In my case, it went a great deal. The smile was simply a prelude to a lot of other things... loving the way he talked...the way he said my name... the way he said his name...the way he held me, even in the most unmalicious of ways... I just saw him sweet and incurably cute.
But sweet moments were made to last you only seconds of your years...and what seemed like a possibility of a lifetime with him shattered to pieces. Cut glass that could wound and scar you forever if you tried to pick them up...try to put the pieces back together and you will find yourself bleeding a silent death.
I bled for him.
It sounds too majestic but it didn't feel that way. I was up to my nose with sh*t but I tried to rescue myself from it. My only redemption...the only light in that dark tunnel...was that I HAD him. For a short period of time he was mine alone, and I can be proud of that.
Because I am human enough to feel that way...because I can prove to myself, say proudly that I know how it feels to sincerely care for someone, and deep in my heart know that I can offer my love if only he had asked for it in the first place.
But the deception was more than I could take. I see in his eyes that he does not feel as if he had deceived me, but he did. I believed him...every single word he had said, every single beautiful word where he had supposedly spoken highly of me and the way he felt for me.
He had deceived me out of my shell. I was in there for self-preservation but he was too good a predator. He knew where to attack me and knew exactly what corner to push me against. I had been more than simply amused with him, I was enamored. I was furious with myself for feeling that way towards him...wanting to give my all, wanting to drop everything with the drop of a hat, wanting to serve him and be the one to give him all that he wanted and needed. I was furious because I was immature to be afraid of how I felt, to be unsure of how HE felt towards me.
You'd know I was nearly going insane because I didn't exactly ask for monogamy, and didn't hope for it. I knew all men were born with the cheating gene. But nonetheless I didn't ask for it...of course hoped for it ( only a hypocrite of a woman would say she absolutely didn't care if her man got interested in another woman )... but trusted him my with my whole heart that he was telling me the truth. That's all I asked for :HONESTY.
But he did change his mind towards me, and THAT was a day as well. That was a day in itself because it opened up a whole new range of revelations about myself.
I realized I should never love someone else before I truly loved myself. I realized I didn't need to be everything to someone until I had done everything for myself. I realized you shouldn't look for someone to complete you...as it was said, a partner should never be supplementary,but complementary. He should be able to act like the other half, not be your other half, because only half of him would not be worthy enough.
It would only be futile effort to make him give you everything, because every person cannot give everything or he would lose himself,his personality,his soul. And what worth a partner is it who has lost himself? I realized you cannot do that as well, give your all... because giving your all is a waste of your years when you have so much to do with your life.
It's a common mistake in love... to feel guilty that you are not everything to someone, to be hurt, to feel deceived... because life was meant to be lived for you. God gave you that life for YOU to enjoy it. That reason He gave us the heart is because he wanted us to see that side of life... that it is beautiful to love, to feel loved...that love in itself is a wonderful thing to have and hold in your arms... but it is only a part of everything that He had given us.
From what I have gone through with him, I am a new person. I cannot deny the bitterness in my voice, cannot hide the traces of a hurting heart, cannot make the doubts disappear with the
snap of my fingertips. But I can be a whole new person who can be proud to walk the streets with an uplifted chin...because I know in my mind and in my heart that I have gone through everything. I can tell the world..."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! So try me again, life! I know I can live through this!"
I have known pain. I have known doubts. I have known deceit. I have loved. I have lost. I have loved again, and I may never stop loving. In the long term I may bring myself to my own pain again. People have become masochists of late, and experiencing pain seems to be the definition
of existence. I cannot help myself from it. I cannot help from making myself feel the pain because I cannot help myself from feeling the affection as well.
Yes, I love him. Above all this theatrics, it's as simple as that. I love him, and you cannot make me forget that. I have a certain love affair with stupidity, but let's leave it at that. I happen to enjoy the moronic feelings that come with relishing another person's embrace,another person's smile, another person's voice,another person's kiss. I don't give out free kisses...it always comes with a part of me. So when I happen to have enjoyed it, I must have absolutely adored him.
Do you know?
I loved you. I really did. I seem to have just gotten stuck in our yesterday... so I'm enjoying it now. In my heart you will always be my smiley face, my dream, my all.
We may still not be meant to be in future...if ever we do find out that love will never ever work for us...if ever in the future we will never be the ones destined to share each other's everydays,todays,and tomorrows... you will always be a part of me...for you have left a part of you with me (duh, go figure)...and I will treasure that forever.
This crazy heart of mine will always find a way back to you, no matter how insane the thought. It will always think that no matter where life takes me, I will still and always will find my way back to you. Your memory will never go away.
I love you baby. And deep in my heart I'm hoping you truly love me and always will treasure the time and affection I have given to you.
No matter how crazy a day it was when I met you, no matter how crazy the days I shared with you, no matter how crazy I have become...
...i will always go back to the day when I saw you smiling, and you let me know that I can truly be alive if only I enjoy each moment...like a smile... no matter how great or little it is.
(feb2'05)
I'm not sure if it was an unfortunate or fortunate day in my life...but it WAS a day.
I'm not very particular to the kind of man you are...as long as you can capture my eye with a warm smile. And THAT very day... I saw him smiling. Not just the kind of smile you catch while he's laughing and telling stories with his friends, but the kind that's directed to you. The kind of smile that's meant to catch your eye. Even if he really wasn't meaning to direct it to you.
Or was it me? Was I just thinking my usual- thoughts- on- a-really-good-day-when-I-feel-so-hot-and-ravishing?
Whatever it was, whatever the purpose...it caught my eye...and I was hooked for good. It's crazy how a little smile can go great lengths.
In my case, it went a great deal. The smile was simply a prelude to a lot of other things... loving the way he talked...the way he said my name... the way he said his name...the way he held me, even in the most unmalicious of ways... I just saw him sweet and incurably cute.
But sweet moments were made to last you only seconds of your years...and what seemed like a possibility of a lifetime with him shattered to pieces. Cut glass that could wound and scar you forever if you tried to pick them up...try to put the pieces back together and you will find yourself bleeding a silent death.
I bled for him.
It sounds too majestic but it didn't feel that way. I was up to my nose with sh*t but I tried to rescue myself from it. My only redemption...the only light in that dark tunnel...was that I HAD him. For a short period of time he was mine alone, and I can be proud of that.
Because I am human enough to feel that way...because I can prove to myself, say proudly that I know how it feels to sincerely care for someone, and deep in my heart know that I can offer my love if only he had asked for it in the first place.
But the deception was more than I could take. I see in his eyes that he does not feel as if he had deceived me, but he did. I believed him...every single word he had said, every single beautiful word where he had supposedly spoken highly of me and the way he felt for me.
He had deceived me out of my shell. I was in there for self-preservation but he was too good a predator. He knew where to attack me and knew exactly what corner to push me against. I had been more than simply amused with him, I was enamored. I was furious with myself for feeling that way towards him...wanting to give my all, wanting to drop everything with the drop of a hat, wanting to serve him and be the one to give him all that he wanted and needed. I was furious because I was immature to be afraid of how I felt, to be unsure of how HE felt towards me.
You'd know I was nearly going insane because I didn't exactly ask for monogamy, and didn't hope for it. I knew all men were born with the cheating gene. But nonetheless I didn't ask for it...of course hoped for it ( only a hypocrite of a woman would say she absolutely didn't care if her man got interested in another woman )... but trusted him my with my whole heart that he was telling me the truth. That's all I asked for :HONESTY.
But he did change his mind towards me, and THAT was a day as well. That was a day in itself because it opened up a whole new range of revelations about myself.
I realized I should never love someone else before I truly loved myself. I realized I didn't need to be everything to someone until I had done everything for myself. I realized you shouldn't look for someone to complete you...as it was said, a partner should never be supplementary,but complementary. He should be able to act like the other half, not be your other half, because only half of him would not be worthy enough.
It would only be futile effort to make him give you everything, because every person cannot give everything or he would lose himself,his personality,his soul. And what worth a partner is it who has lost himself? I realized you cannot do that as well, give your all... because giving your all is a waste of your years when you have so much to do with your life.
It's a common mistake in love... to feel guilty that you are not everything to someone, to be hurt, to feel deceived... because life was meant to be lived for you. God gave you that life for YOU to enjoy it. That reason He gave us the heart is because he wanted us to see that side of life... that it is beautiful to love, to feel loved...that love in itself is a wonderful thing to have and hold in your arms... but it is only a part of everything that He had given us.
From what I have gone through with him, I am a new person. I cannot deny the bitterness in my voice, cannot hide the traces of a hurting heart, cannot make the doubts disappear with the
snap of my fingertips. But I can be a whole new person who can be proud to walk the streets with an uplifted chin...because I know in my mind and in my heart that I have gone through everything. I can tell the world..."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! So try me again, life! I know I can live through this!"
I have known pain. I have known doubts. I have known deceit. I have loved. I have lost. I have loved again, and I may never stop loving. In the long term I may bring myself to my own pain again. People have become masochists of late, and experiencing pain seems to be the definition
of existence. I cannot help myself from it. I cannot help from making myself feel the pain because I cannot help myself from feeling the affection as well.
Yes, I love him. Above all this theatrics, it's as simple as that. I love him, and you cannot make me forget that. I have a certain love affair with stupidity, but let's leave it at that. I happen to enjoy the moronic feelings that come with relishing another person's embrace,another person's smile, another person's voice,another person's kiss. I don't give out free kisses...it always comes with a part of me. So when I happen to have enjoyed it, I must have absolutely adored him.
Do you know?
I loved you. I really did. I seem to have just gotten stuck in our yesterday... so I'm enjoying it now. In my heart you will always be my smiley face, my dream, my all.
We may still not be meant to be in future...if ever we do find out that love will never ever work for us...if ever in the future we will never be the ones destined to share each other's everydays,todays,and tomorrows... you will always be a part of me...for you have left a part of you with me (duh, go figure)...and I will treasure that forever.
This crazy heart of mine will always find a way back to you, no matter how insane the thought. It will always think that no matter where life takes me, I will still and always will find my way back to you. Your memory will never go away.
I love you baby. And deep in my heart I'm hoping you truly love me and always will treasure the time and affection I have given to you.
No matter how crazy a day it was when I met you, no matter how crazy the days I shared with you, no matter how crazy I have become...
...i will always go back to the day when I saw you smiling, and you let me know that I can truly be alive if only I enjoy each moment...like a smile... no matter how great or little it is.
(feb2'05)
posted by Jaypee at 1:20 PM
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