What Makes You Stay?

I tried to calm my throbbing temples with my left hand while lifting my right leg to the cold wall, stuffing a fluffy pillow under it.

It had been a grueling night for me...and somehow the conversation between me and my hubby had gotten the better of me. Having him go to the bathroom was definitely a breather.

I was trying to gather my wits, while trying to fathom what the hell I was doing in the world right here, right now...thinking the worst, no less... when he came back in through the door.

"Feeling better? I thought we had it all ironed out?" I answered feebly with a yeah, of course, I'm fine. "You're still thinking." No, I'm not. I'm okay. "Your leg's still up on the wall."

On any given day we would have burst out together laughing at the stupidity of that observation. In my pensive mood though, I simply couldn't.

Here we were...analyzing the validity of our relationship...weighing the pros and the cons, the right and the wrong, the mistakes, the sacrifices, the sincerity of love. And he gives out an observation only he had ever noticed. I never even realized I was doing that until last night when he so candidly pointed it out to me.

How can you ever get mad at someone who knows how to make you feel better? (even if he was the reason for your discomfort in the first place.)

Through it all I realized I couldn’t leave this man who had become such a great part of my life. He drives me insane, sure… but through all the insanity my heart was torn apart. There were the days I wanted to exorcise myself from my evil plots against him, just to relieve myself of the pain and insecurity I felt. But somewhere inside I knew I couldn’t last a moment beside him that I wouldn’t have my defenses melted, and that I would have to forgive him.

The toughie is now a softie.

I always prided myself with the knowledge that I was a bitch, and I had every right to be that way if I was right…about my decisions, about my beliefs, about my life. But the irony of it all was that I had found someone who had turned my life over. Wow, and was it an absolute upset!

I find my seemingly cold stare ready to pounce on him, and my marshmallow heart gives in. Puss in Boots of Shrek would be shamed with the woeful eyes my husband just gave me.

Just then, even through the doubts and the fears…I suddenly have the answer. All of the answers.

I am here because I chose to. I am here because I fell in love, with someone who never gave me promises, but tried to give me happiness. I am here with someone who inspires me with his passions, his dreams, his great ambitions.

I am here because I gave a commitment. I am here not just because of that commitment, but because of a sincere hope to offer another person my time, my love, my soul. I am here because I feel responsible for the emotions and the welfare of another human being.

I am here because of a certain uncontrollable force of nature. I am here because I cannot help it. I am here because he is a hard habit to break.

I am here because I feel whole with him, that I am disgusted at the thought of severing myself by leaving my other half. I am here because I’ve been so in the past five years.

I am here because I enjoy him, his company. I am here because I feel alive with him…enjoying his joys, his little-boy-giggly-moments, his pains, his schemes, his bad plots. I am here because of a maternal instinct to care for this little boy who passes on so well as a man. I am here because I enjoy my title as audience to his private singing sprees. I’m here because I think he’s incurably cute… and sexy at the same time. I’m here because he has become every man to me.

I am here because I take pride in being his happiness. I am here because, to a fault, I believe I give him reason to strive. I am here because he is my best friend, and I am his. I am here because I AM his wife, and no one else has better right to be beside him than I do. (RIGHT ON!)

I am here simply because I love him. And I find no other better reason than that.