The Story of "What If?"

I have an acquaintance from way back college years, and his name was Janus. He was my then boyfriend's good friend, and he inevitably became one of the people I would look forward to being with.

Years passed and I never came across Janus, if not for the occasional mentioning of his name. I lived my life...he lived his...me as a housewife, marrying my college sweetheart (Janus' friend)...and him as a law student. (But that's not what this story is about. I'm just giving you a little introduction so that you would appreciate Janus for his story)

Anyway, I saw Janus again after almost three years, and it was funny he should ask about married life. I guess a few beers really make a difference. Thus goes Janus' story...

Man#1( let's call him Paul) was going to get married to Woman#1(Jane). Woman#2(Patricia) was getting married to Man#2(Chris). Under the strangest circumstance, for some crazy weekend, Paul and Patricia met at the same hotel, and had a flirtation that led to a whirlwind romance.
Evidently, it wasn't just an affair, because both of them seriously considered cutting off both of their engagements, or eloping together. But they knew they had to do the "right thing", and broke up their affair to get married to their respective partners.

Paul's heart did not keep him quiet though. He thought about Patricia often, and the same thing went for her. One night, while the hotel's maintenance man was fixing the lightbulb in his room, he had opened up his dilemma, and asked the man what he thought he should do.

The maintenance man smiled and told Paul this : " I have been happily married for 20 twenty years to Rita, but there was never a day that passed that I thought 'What if...I had been married to Maria instead?' "

After that story, I had laughed at Janus' face. How true was that story anyway? How stupid was it that people actually married each other without really committing to loving each other? Do they just wake up one day and say "I wish I was married to someone else instead?" Is it actually really happening that people married for the wrong reasons, and marry not because of love?

I had laughed at Janus. But Janus... you make me bleed. You know you do.

Because somewhere out there...someone may be thinking I wish I was married to her instead. Somewhere out there, at some point or another...my husband may think he wasn't married to me, and wish instead to be married to someone else.

What has actually happened to love? What exactly has happened to marriage, commitment, and friendship?

The world has become a shore of crabs and its a matter of who gets on top first. The one who doesn't get trampled on, and succeeds on trampling on others is the one who wins.

And I guess it's the same thing with love. You want it? Slave over it. Nobody gets anything for nothing anymore nowadays. It's bitch and win or you become the loser.

I have let my What-Ifs die a long time ago. They resurface every now and then, and whether my husband likes it or not, we both have to admit it happens. Because I am not stupid, and so is he. What-Ifs are as real as marriage could get, specially with young marriages that start off with dizzy spells, racing heartbeats, and ever tingling funny bones. It just doesn't happen with real marriages, dear. As they say, some marriages are made in heaven but they all have to be worked out on earth. And both our what-ifs, if any, could only be used for the reality check.
Because I know deep in my heart, my husband loves me, and whether he entertains, or has entertained, the thought or not... I truly believe that what we had is incomparable. We probably only have to be mature enough to accept that marriages are meant to have system breakdowns, but they can be fixed. If only we give it enough time, it may even fix itself without too much effort. And that's a blessing indeed, because marriages require all the efforts you can give.

I may have to say sorry for not believing in Janus at the time, but I haven't forgotten his story. Which may mean, the story was put to good use.

Thank you, Janus...but I think Mr.Maintenance Man could have done better in your story. He could have loved his wife more...could have taken his commitment more seriously...could have become satisfied with what all that his wife had to give...and maybe he would not have what-ifs.

Those who dwell on what-ifs, the past, what was... eventually lose what they have now...and everything.

Letter to a lover

"It's been quite a while...you've really kept me wanting you...you've got some style... so unique, so beautiful, so warm, so deep...."

I'm not sure if it was an unfortunate or fortunate day in my life...but it WAS a day.

I'm not very particular to the kind of man you are...as long as you can capture my eye with a warm smile. And THAT very day... I saw him smiling. Not just the kind of smile you catch while he's laughing and telling stories with his friends, but the kind that's directed to you. The kind of smile that's meant to catch your eye. Even if he really wasn't meaning to direct it to you.

Or was it me? Was I just thinking my usual- thoughts- on- a-really-good-day-when-I-feel-so-hot-and-ravishing?

Whatever it was, whatever the purpose...it caught my eye...and I was hooked for good. It's crazy how a little smile can go great lengths.

In my case, it went a great deal. The smile was simply a prelude to a lot of other things... loving the way he talked...the way he said my name... the way he said his name...the way he held me, even in the most unmalicious of ways... I just saw him sweet and incurably cute.

But sweet moments were made to last you only seconds of your years...and what seemed like a possibility of a lifetime with him shattered to pieces. Cut glass that could wound and scar you forever if you tried to pick them up...try to put the pieces back together and you will find yourself bleeding a silent death.

I bled for him.

It sounds too majestic but it didn't feel that way. I was up to my nose with sh*t but I tried to rescue myself from it. My only redemption...the only light in that dark tunnel...was that I HAD him. For a short period of time he was mine alone, and I can be proud of that.

Because I am human enough to feel that way...because I can prove to myself, say proudly that I know how it feels to sincerely care for someone, and deep in my heart know that I can offer my love if only he had asked for it in the first place.

But the deception was more than I could take. I see in his eyes that he does not feel as if he had deceived me, but he did. I believed him...every single word he had said, every single beautiful word where he had supposedly spoken highly of me and the way he felt for me.

He had deceived me out of my shell. I was in there for self-preservation but he was too good a predator. He knew where to attack me and knew exactly what corner to push me against. I had been more than simply amused with him, I was enamored. I was furious with myself for feeling that way towards him...wanting to give my all, wanting to drop everything with the drop of a hat, wanting to serve him and be the one to give him all that he wanted and needed. I was furious because I was immature to be afraid of how I felt, to be unsure of how HE felt towards me.

You'd know I was nearly going insane because I didn't exactly ask for monogamy, and didn't hope for it. I knew all men were born with the cheating gene. But nonetheless I didn't ask for it...of course hoped for it ( only a hypocrite of a woman would say she absolutely didn't care if her man got interested in another woman )... but trusted him my with my whole heart that he was telling me the truth. That's all I asked for :HONESTY.

But he did change his mind towards me, and THAT was a day as well. That was a day in itself because it opened up a whole new range of revelations about myself.

I realized I should never love someone else before I truly loved myself. I realized I didn't need to be everything to someone until I had done everything for myself. I realized you shouldn't look for someone to complete you...as it was said, a partner should never be supplementary,but complementary. He should be able to act like the other half, not be your other half, because only half of him would not be worthy enough.

It would only be futile effort to make him give you everything, because every person cannot give everything or he would lose himself,his personality,his soul. And what worth a partner is it who has lost himself? I realized you cannot do that as well, give your all... because giving your all is a waste of your years when you have so much to do with your life.

It's a common mistake in love... to feel guilty that you are not everything to someone, to be hurt, to feel deceived... because life was meant to be lived for you. God gave you that life for YOU to enjoy it. That reason He gave us the heart is because he wanted us to see that side of life... that it is beautiful to love, to feel loved...that love in itself is a wonderful thing to have and hold in your arms... but it is only a part of everything that He had given us.

From what I have gone through with him, I am a new person. I cannot deny the bitterness in my voice, cannot hide the traces of a hurting heart, cannot make the doubts disappear with the
snap of my fingertips. But I can be a whole new person who can be proud to walk the streets with an uplifted chin...because I know in my mind and in my heart that I have gone through everything. I can tell the world..."BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! So try me again, life! I know I can live through this!"

I have known pain. I have known doubts. I have known deceit. I have loved. I have lost. I have loved again, and I may never stop loving. In the long term I may bring myself to my own pain again. People have become masochists of late, and experiencing pain seems to be the definition
of existence. I cannot help myself from it. I cannot help from making myself feel the pain because I cannot help myself from feeling the affection as well.

Yes, I love him. Above all this theatrics, it's as simple as that. I love him, and you cannot make me forget that. I have a certain love affair with stupidity, but let's leave it at that. I happen to enjoy the moronic feelings that come with relishing another person's embrace,another person's smile, another person's voice,another person's kiss. I don't give out free kisses...it always comes with a part of me. So when I happen to have enjoyed it, I must have absolutely adored him.

Do you know?

I loved you. I really did. I seem to have just gotten stuck in our yesterday... so I'm enjoying it now. In my heart you will always be my smiley face, my dream, my all.

We may still not be meant to be in future...if ever we do find out that love will never ever work for us...if ever in the future we will never be the ones destined to share each other's everydays,todays,and tomorrows... you will always be a part of me...for you have left a part of you with me (duh, go figure)...and I will treasure that forever.

This crazy heart of mine will always find a way back to you, no matter how insane the thought. It will always think that no matter where life takes me, I will still and always will find my way back to you. Your memory will never go away.

I love you baby. And deep in my heart I'm hoping you truly love me and always will treasure the time and affection I have given to you.

No matter how crazy a day it was when I met you, no matter how crazy the days I shared with you, no matter how crazy I have become...

...i will always go back to the day when I saw you smiling, and you let me know that I can truly be alive if only I enjoy each moment...like a smile... no matter how great or little it is.

(feb2'05)

Love may be blind but it will find you

The now popular song goes...I don't wanna wait in vain for your love... because summer is here, I'm still waiting there...

The big question is, darling...whoever told you you had to wait?

The biggest mistake anyone could ever make in his or her life is to wait for a love to come running to you, come sweep you off your feet, or come whisk you away on a magic carpet ride. You shouldn't wait for love to hit you, wait for love to crawl into your skin, nor wait to fall in love.

Don't wait for love...because you don't have to. It will just happen.

How many times have we waited for phone calls? How many late nights have we let ourselves dream for THE DAY...for THE ONE?

Countless? You're not alone. Because in a world of the so-called free-willed people, we all expect and grow up having these romantic notions of a lover whom we will choose, someone who will choose US over a dozen,thousand,or even millions of women out there. Who wouldn't swoon over that thought? Imagine being handpicked and told over and over again..." You are the one for me...you will always be the one in my heart..."

But it doesn't happen that way. You want love? Here's the deal-clincher: your heart never chooses who to love. At some point or another your heart will love a loser. At some point or another your heart will love someone who can never love you...
someone who will make you cry...
someone who will forget how important you are...
someone who will never, ever even realize how important you are...
someone who will not see WHO you are...
someone who will never hold your hand for everyone to see...
someone who loves someone else...
someone who will play with your heart...
someone who will never share your dreams with you...
someone who will want everything but cannot give anything...
someone who will never be yours...
someone who will love you today but change their mind tomorrow...
someone who will lie...
someone who will tell you they love you, but act as if they don't...
someone who will steal your heart and never give it back.

You will always come across someone who will not even realize what they're talking about. Words are important, but words can be fatal if not used carefully and not thought about.
Words can hurt. Specially if they were assumed to be real but they weren't. Sweet tongues and smooth operators are countless. They were not born yesterday, no matter how old or young...they have been around and they know how to woo you out of limitations and safe boundaries. Once they have you bogged down out of your you-can't-make-me-love-you-zones, they discard you like used rags.

But that's how the heart works. It was made to love someone who SEEMS to love you. Because the heart's a little stupid. On the other hand, the good side to that innocence of the heart is that, it will not fend off affection that people with real intentions will offer. And that's your heart's go signal to love.

Good for you.

When that happens just don't push love away. You don't have to wait for love, dear... please
don't. But when it comes, open your arms and let it in. It may not be the forever kind of love...or the one to make your heart race everytime...or the one to give the sweet, silent contentment whenever you're holding each other's hands and just sitting next to each other...but at least, it's there. It may not be love yet...just not as of yet...but knowing there's someone who's willing to be the one to care for you and share a few moments with you everyday...be the witness to your life: its bitterness, its joys, its pains, its ho-hum days...
that's what really matters.

Love is blind and stupid sometimes, but just have faith. Maybe that's why Cupid was portrayed as a man... love is sometimes like a man. It takes time for them to realize a lot of things. So just hang on in there... love will find you.

It may take a lot of tears, it may take a lot of years... but love will find you, and bless you if you find it too...and you see each other eye to eye.

edited: Jan 26

Nothing scares me anymore

Ghosts? Japanese horror films with disturbing images you see in your mind weeks after you've last seen it (maybe evn after the first time you've seen it)? Kapre? Silent,dead nights? Howling winds? Heights? Death?

I am not afraid of anything anymore.

Show me what you've got. Try me now. You cannot scare the hell out of me even if you tried.

I have become a thousand year old concrete wall, and you cannot bog me down. Well, I guess...there are a few things...

The Wall of China is still standing. Basically because it stands for something. It is heritage, culture,pride. If I was a wall, maybe that would be it.

I have to stand strong because I have a daughter. I have a family who will always be there to walk with me,stand by me...even if storms and earthquakes try to shatter me. I have this pride that YOU CANNOT BOG ME DOWN.

But then there are the Berlin Wall days. They tore the thing down to erase the line between two places, to stop creating boundaries and wars. It's almost the same thing for me, but most of the time it's just a matter of the heart over my mind.

I have these days. When the toughie is a softie. Damn, I could almost hear the pieces falling. I could hear the cracks coming on, and I can break soon. Essentially the good thing, I could choose not to break if I wanted to. But there are just those days when I cannot help but shatter to pieces with the littlest motivation.

And maybe this is the reason why I choose to be a Wall of China. Because I have gone through those days when I felt like the littlest things could hurt me. Now though, nothing scares me anymore. I basically have nothing to lose because I have lost it all.(Go figure) It seems as if I am holding most things in my iron hand right now...but the truth is...I'm not. I just want to let the tides flow. I am after all,a wall...an unmoving wall where people pass by, winds blow through, and seasons change over. But I will always be there.

Thank God, I will always be here. Nothing really scares me now...because the heavens will always be here as well to shine down on me...after the storm.

Parang Kayo Pero Hindi Part2

Crazy little things...these so-called hearts.

They stop in mid-air when you see him. They start beating fast when he stands next to you. They come alive when he smiles. They die when he walks away.

Crazy little things...these hearts.

For so-called intelligent people, the heart is merely an organ. It's there to keep you alive because you have MORE IMPORTANT THINGS TO DO. Have a job, get a social life,be a friend,be a daughter,be a sister, be a mom...whatever. There are better things to do out there than mind this crazy little heart.

But there are certain so-called intelligent people who inevitably develop a certain stupidity with the heart when they start getting older. Maturity is simply a term for knowing more. And the more you know...the more it hurts. Only the ignorant never get hurt. Because what you don't know won't kill you.

Feel like one of us so-called intelligent people? Good for you. Because on the other hand...what you know will make you stronger.

What does this crazy little heart of mine know now that I'm a little older?

It knows that love is not a lie. It is not a myth. But it is so real that you can feel it...its joys,its pains,its struggles, the bliss. It knows that love can start up a fire inside it, but that the mind will always interfere. It knows the mind has a point.

What does this intelligent mind know?

It knows love can hurt.It knows love can make you feel like the most beautiful, most special,most intelligent,most everything girl in the world...but it definitely knows that all of that will die once he sees someone who is more than that.( And God bless the woman who really IS more than all that..can you imagine?) It knows that love never chooses who to love...so it makes the guidelines for the heart. Don't choose a younger man,someone who cannot commit to you, someone who will never write you poetry or give you flowers, someone who is involved with someone else...someone who is not worthy to receive all the stupidity this crazy little heart will take.

The mind is powerful. It knows a lot of things. So it knows when to stop.

The heart and the mind is the perfect example of two people in love. Once working together, it will be a dream come true, a fantasy, a happy ever after. But once the mind and the heart start arguing with each other...everything else fails. It's a nightmare you want to wake up from. It's a long-standing telenovela and you just want to stop crying. It's a love affair gone sour and you just want the sweet memories back...those sweet times...those short,sweet moments he was yours and yours alone.

That's how my mind is right now. Parang sila pero hindi. This crazy little heart doesn't know if it will stick with my mind...or break hell loose. What the heck? I'm in love, and I don't care what you think,you prudish little mind.

The only problem is... my mind and my heart has a long-standing commitment to stay with each other no matter what.

And its crazy but sometimes I wish... I find someone who won't be like me. I want to find someone who will only listen to his heart. I want to find someone who will l0ve me not for the guidelines in his mind...but for ME. I want to find someone who will break hell loose and give the dirty finger to anyone who will try even in the littlest bit to tear us apart. Someone who will not hide from the world that I am his and his alone. Someone who will shout to the world that he loves me. Someone who will smile when I need it, accept my smile when he needs it. Someone who will hold my hand when I am trying to cross boundaries, and let me hold his hand through his trials. Someone who will bear witness to my life...and someone who will let me savor and bear witness to his life. Someone who will thank the heavens that I am here, and that I will be here...who cares if its not for forever...as long as we're together right here,right now...and a few more tomorrows...who cares?

Come on,tell me...someone out there...anyone...WHO CARES?!?